A driver of an SUV in Bridgehampton must have really wanted some Carvel ice-cream because that is the only explanation that we can think of, after he drove his car directly into the front of the building. The SUV, which was a Mercedes, completely destroyed the front of the building. Ice cream flew out onto the streets as people screamed for their lives. It was bad man.
A turtle, moving very slowly, had successfully made it to the middle of the road in Watermill without getting hit by a car. A driver noticed the turtle and pulled over on the side of the road, then stopped traffic to pick up the turtle and get it safely to the other side of the road. The turtle then continued on its journey into the woods, to pursue his dream of becoming a crime fighting teenage mutant ninja turtle. [expand]
Old Man McGumbus, 98 and former WWII flame thrower operator, was holding a meeting at the American Legion for the organization, “The Shelter Island Assault Rifle Owners Club” which McGumbus is the President of and has held the position for the last 40 years. While in the middle of assembling and disassembling his brand new M4 Carbine assault rifle with a M203 40 mm grenade launcher attachment, McGumbus became distracted when he saw two hippies hiking in the woods and he “accidentally” fired the grenade launcher directly out the window and into the woods in the direction of the hippies. Luckily, the grenade that was fired did not injure anybody. However, it was reported that two hikers are being treated for posttraumatic stress disorder after they observed a deer get hit by the grenade and blow up into 1,000 pieces. McGumbus will be releasing a public apology for the incident via a letter that he will write with his typewriter and deliver to the local press. No charges have been filed.
Shoplifting incidents have been reported in East Hampton that involve very expensive women’s dresses, one of the dresses that was reported stolen has been valued at over $500, while another one was valued at $310. It’s amazing that people will risk going to jail so that they can wear a designer outfit.
Two men in Montauk were arrested for possession of cocaine after police saw a group of individuals around a car making sniffing sounds. The officers illuminated the area with a flashlight and immediately the men began to walk away from the officers even after they had been instructed to stop. While following the two men, police observed them throw an item next to a parked truck. When they were stopped, the two men were arrested after police found that they item they threw was a bag of cocaine. [/expand]
–David Lion Rattiner