Fishing Equipment Stolen, Sally Paris Disrupts Grocery Store

Fishing Pole

A fishing pole worth $300 was stolen off of a pickup truck in East Hampton. The following are the top five reasons fishing is better than sex. 1. A limp rod is still useful while fishing. 2. Your fishing partner doesn’t get upset about people you fished with years ago. 3. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself. 4. You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without getting sued for fishing harassment. 5. If you want to watch fishing videos on the Internet, you don’t have to clear your browsing history when you are finished.

Fight

Two men got into a fight over a $30 debit card at a grocery store. One man punched the other in the face after he was pushed by the other man. Neither man wanted to press charges. I respect that.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 102 and former World War II flamethrower mechanic, organized a fundraiser last week for Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann. Things went terribly wrong however when McGumbus was in the middle of giving a speech in the Town Square and somebody threw a pie at his face. McGumbus, who is President of the Shelter Island Assault Rifles Club, yelled out, “I’M HIT!” and fell off his podium onto the ground. The pie was a blueberry pie and McGumbus could be heard over the microphone saying, “Hmmm, this is some pretty darn good blueberry pie.” [expand]

Shelter Island

Sally Paris, who was originally Sally Pally until a recent name change, and who is a mother of two and is President and C.E.O. of The Shelter Island League of Women Against Corporations, was arrested last week in a dramatic display after she attempted to prevent people from buying vegetables at the local grocery store instead of at a farmstand. Sally Paris assaulted a man with a non-organic tomato after he told her that he was, “Damn proud of his country’s ability to grow food that could feed the world if we felt like doing so and he’ll eat whatever processed food he damn pleases.” Paris chucked a tomato at the man. The man pressed charges. Paris will be holding a meeting next week with the League of Women Against Corporations next week to discuss how they are going to take down the McDonald’s corporation.

Equipment

Electronic equipment was reportedly stolen off of a fishing boat in Montauk. Here are five more reasons why fishing is better than sex.1. Our fishing partner will never say, “Not again! We just fished last week—is fishing all you ever think about?” 2. Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life. 3. There are no fishing-transmitted diseases. 4. When you see a really good fishing person, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing together. 5. It’s perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.              —David Lion Rattiner

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