Molotov Cocktail, Drunkard

Teen Resists

A Hampton Bays teenager was slapped with two misdemeanors that included resisting arrest after he allegedly started a fight in a bar that resulted in his arrest. While the young man, who was 19, was being arrested, he attempted to punch one of the arresting officers. Well, there goes his future.

Molotov Cocktail

It turns out that a Molotov Cocktail that was lit outside of a Southampton official’s home did not contain any explosives. It still scared the crap out of the official and the few people that heard about the story. [expand]

Shelter Island

In an effort to increase tourism during the off- season on Shelter Island, Old Man McGumbus, 102 and former World War II machine gunner, has caused a lot of controversy with his proposed “Shelter Island Assault Rifle, Grenade and Rocket Launcher Festival.” McGumbus proposed the idea at a town meeting last week, and was backed by his group, the Shelter Island Assault Rifles Club. “We could really draw a lot of tourists to the area, the good kind of tourists, if we held a gun festival, it would be completely safe and it would also be an excellent thing for families to do together.” It was at this point that Edie Burnstein, a retired dentist, became so angry at the proposal that she threw her shoe at Old Man McGumbus, hitting him right in the eye, with remarkable precision. Old Man McGumbus then drew his side arm, a 9-millimeter standard-issue army pistol, and pointed it at Edie, but then became dizzy from being hit in the face and collapsed off of the podium. McGumbus was subsequently arrested. “I have every right to return fire!!! THIS IS AMERICA!!!” McGumbus was quoted saying while receiving medical attention. The vote for the Shelter Island Gun Festival has been postponed since the incident.

Green Criminal

Somebody stole a 10-speed bicycle from a restaurant in Amagansett last week. Whatever happened to boosting cars?

Pet Trouble

A dog on the North Fork became sick and nearly died after it was fed chocolate by the daughter of the owner. The dog survived the incident, and the daughter, who thought she was giving the dog something he’d like, will never, ever live this one down. Don’t feed dogs chocolate!

Drunkard

A man in Southampton was pulled over and arrested for D.W.I. last week after police caught him drinking beer inside of his vehicle while swerving all over the road. Will people ever learn?

 

–David Lion Rattiner


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