Police Blotter

Ugly Bike Theft

A grey and orange bike was stolen outside of a restaurant in Amagansett last week. Grey and orange? That thief did you a favor!

Fishing Rescue

A fishing boat that had gone adrift 75 miles off of the coast of Montauk Point last week was rescued by The United States Coast Guard. The fishing vessel had engine problems and there were four people on board the boat who were looking to catch a big one.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 102, former World War II Japanese Internment Camp guard, was seen in town last week highly intoxicated and screaming at pedestrians in the street. “HOW ARE WE ALLOWING THESE DAMN HIPPIES TO TAKE OVER WALL STREET! WHY WON’T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME!? THEY ARE TAKING OVER OUR COUNTRY AND WE’RE DOING NOTHING!” McGumbus then stumbled out into the middle of Main Street with a bullhorn and began demanding that all Shelter Island residents organize a small army to battle the hippie menace in New York City. McGumbus was met with a few cheers from Islanders, but required medical attention when he, quite literally, pooped his pants in the middle of the street and then collapsed from exhaustion.

Whoa

A man under the influence of cocaine lead officers through a high-speed chase in Eastport that ended with the driver ramming a police cruiser at 80 miles per hour. The drugged-out driver then decided that he would get out of the car and made a run for it, at which point HIS BUTT WAS FREAKING ARRESTED.

Fire

A cottage in Southampton was completely destroyed by fire. The entire house went up in flames, leaving nothing behind but a very burnt structure. When firefighters arrived to battle the blaze, the home was completely engulfed and it took them three hours to put out the fire. There were no injuries reported and it was a very well managed fire, however, there was one very sad report that a dog was inside the home when it burned and passed on. Sad.


 

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