My favorite political jokes of all time are the two cows jokes. As all of us in the Hamptons are waiting to find out what will happen tomorrow with the debt committee. I can pretty much guarantee you that they will not come to an agreement and that they will try and print their way out of this thing. But I digress, let’s tell some two cows jokes. I just came up with one for the debt committee and I’m pretty proud of it.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
And here’s the one that I’ve come up with: AN AMERICAN DEBT SUPER COMMITTEE: You have two cows. You borrowed $1.5 trillion dollars to pay for them from China. You use the milk as collateral to borrow another trillion to pay the interest on the initial cow loan, plus to pay for the guaranteed benefits of the people who run all of the important government departments that keep the cow business going, (Department of Proper Milking, Department of Tugging, Department of Cow Hoof Management, Department Of Cow Eyelash Management, Department of Cow Psychological Studies). You have a meeting to discuss how your going to cut spending to try and lower your debt load. You plan on selling one of the cows at the meeting or plan on cutting down the $9 billion budget of The Department Of Cow Eyelash Management, but by the end of the meeting you announce that you are buying two more cows and need to borrow some more money from China and are creating a new department called “The Department Of Cow Fart Prevention . You then ship four cows to China, and use Chinese workers there to milk them, and have the milk shipped back to you. You announce economic growth.
CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd’s pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.