20 Predictions: Global Warming, Republicans, Parking, China, the Euro, Aliens, Summer in the Hamptons, Sanchez and the Academy Awards

All the visitors to the Hamptons who speak foreign languages will suddenly, in July, begin speaking only in English. People credit this transformation to some new power drink now available in delis.

*        *        *

A strange thing will happen to global warming in 2012. As the year progresses, it will become more and more apparent that temperatures on the planet are going down, not up. Here in the Hamptons it snows in April, is too cool to go swimming until August, and then the ponds are all iced over for skating by Thanksgiving. By the end of the year, with the entire country blanketed in a beautiful white snowfall, the government will release all the statistics. Something with global warming has gone gaflooie. They don’t know what it is. But our troubles are over. [expand]

*        *        *

Two weeks after the Academy Awards, it’s announced that negotiations between the Academy and Hollywood have broken down and the awards for 2013 will take place in October 2012 in the Hamptons in conjunction with the Hamptons Film Festival. The winners will include Alec Baldwin, Mark Zuckerberg, Madonna and Billy Joel.

*        *        *

In March, a huge underground oil field is found half a mile down under America shaped exactly the same as the outline of the country. All states can drill down and get what they need. It’s all been right there all this time.

*        *        *

The Russians, after having a rocket aimed at the space station fizzle, will announce they are turning their entire program back over to the Americans. The space launching facilities in Russia will be ceded to America and given American names.

*        *        *

A big fire in September will destroy all the American dollars kept in vaults in Beijing, China, but more importantly, also will destroy all records of who in America owed what to which Chinese-owned banks. With this black hole in the world of finance, President Obama will order that amount of American money lost in the fire (as estimated by experts) to be printed up new, but kept in Fort Knox.

*        *        *

North and South Korean soldiers on the frontline border separating the two nations will begin tapping their feet to an old 1950s Doris Day favorite called “I Love You a Bushel and a Peck,” then come out of their watchtowers and begin dancing with one another. This activity will spread all through both Koreas and by the end of that week will result in a peaceful reunification of those troubled neighbors.

*        *        *

President Obama will win the Presidential election in November for a second term with 98.7% of the vote. The landslide is caused not by Obama’s popularity but by the failure of the Republicans to agree on their nomination for President at their convention in August. As a result of that, all six longtime hopefuls get on different lines on the ballot as “Republicans” to be joined by three more “Republicans” who join in the fray, who include a man who claims to have been the Mayor of Provo, Utah for six months, a new candidate from Texas who says if he is elected all Presidents in the future will be voted upon by a show of hands and Bozo the Clown. None of these nine candidates get more than .5% of the vote.

*        *        *

A group of billionaires in New York City, saying they are very sorry for everything, agree to put half their savings in big canvas bags and have it taken to City Hall to be distributed to the less fortunate. Similar acts of kindness take place in seven other states.

*        *        *

In June, a group of Muslim extremists discover that there has been a misreading of the Koran. It is found that sections about “killing” in the name of Allah should actually say “kissing.” They regret the error.

*        *        *

Aliens from outer space land in a field in Texas bearing gifts—bright ties for the men, brightly colored high-heeled shoes for the women, Play Stations for teens, puppy dogs for toddlers and cups of Starbucks Decaf Cappuccino for anyone and everyone. All together the aliens distribute six billion gifts to all six billion people on the planet.

*        *        *

All the countries in Europe stop using the Euro in May and instead bring out their old currencies—marks, drachmas, francs, pesetas, lire etc. etc. to allow all of them to float in value one against the other. This money smells funny since it has been in vaults for 15 years, but everybody says it’s much more fun and now everything works out. The stock market rallies on the news.

*        *        *

Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez acknowledges his play has been terrible, he’s a lousy quarterback, is not going to improve and if Coach Rex Ryan can’t see that, he can and so, for the good of the team, he is going to resign to take a job he’s been offered as a judge on “America’s Got Talent.”

*        *        *

The polar ice cap, which had been melting and getting smaller and smaller over the years, now begins in November to freeze again, enabling all the polar bears who have been doing the doggie paddle in those icy waters for years to climb up onto dry, uh, ice and celebrate.

*        *        *

The Hamptons has its best summer ever in 2012. But the parking situation is almost impossible. The season is saved, however, when the town government announces in the third week of July that only Mercedes Benzes will be allowed parking permits beginning in August.

*        *        *

Apple Computer introduces a revolutionary new cellphone in May that can read thought patterns, discern your intentions, and after automatically making mathematical calculations, alter your realities. You do get rich, you do get the girl and everybody just loves you. The cellphone sells 240 million units in its first three weeks. The plan for the device came to Apple from Steve Jobs himself, written out on a piece of paper and then mailed to Apple Headquarters the day before he died.

*        *        *

A challenge by some property owners in Napeague intent on making a mile of oceanfront beach private land goes to the Supreme Court, which rules that all beaches everywhere in the Hamptons belong to the people. Those making the challenge are required to pay all defense costs, take down “Keep Out” signs, put up “Everybody Welcome” signs and vacate the area.

*        *        *

President Obama signs into law a bill that makes it illegal for banks to foreclose on private homeowners. He declares the day he signs the law “Citizen Amnesty Day.” With this impediment removed, homeowners everywhere divert all the funds they are saving toward their mortgage to the checking accounts they use to buy consumer goods. The country leaps out of its long recession. “Who knew it would be this easy?” Obama asks.

*        *        *

In April, Southwest Airlines announces that henceforth, they will pay passengers $50 for each bag they check as cargo. The company’s revenue doubles overnight as passengers swarm to this offer, but it’s bottom line is less by half.

*        *        *

Dolphins are found not only to be smarter than we thought, but smarter than we are. A group of them take over an atoll in the Indian Ocean in July and elect a utopian government that is the envy of the world.

BACK TO Dan Rattiner's Stories

 

Please log in to vote


You need to log in to vote. If you already had an account, you may log in here


Alternatively, if you do not have an account yet you can create one here.