Groundhog Day Smack Down: Punxsutawney Phil Vs. Southampton George

Today is Groundhogs Day. I’m a Bill Murray fan, you’re a Bill Murray fan, we are all Bill Murray fans, so for some reason this day matters to us. Five thousand people showed up in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to watch Punxsutawney Phil walk out and see his shadow and predict another six weeks of winter.

First of all…WHAT WINTER???!!!!! THERE HASN’T BEEN A SINGLE FREAKING DAY OF COLD WEATHER THIS WINTER!!!

Sorry, my turrets syndrome

All I’m saying is this groundhog is an idiot. Punxsutawney Phil needs to get fired because according to statistics, Punxsutawney Phil has been wrong more than right since 1887. We’ve given this guy over a hundred years of predictions to get this right. He hasn’t.

I’m thinking that he should be replaced by my pet rabbit George who lives in Southampton. 

My rabbit George DIDN’T see his shadow this morning. In fact, if he EVER saw his own shadow, my rabbit would probably have a heart attack and die. George is afraid not just of his own shadow, but of the world in general. I swear to you folks, I’ve owned my pet rabbit George for over a year and pretty much every word that I imagine coming out of his mouth is something like, “OH GOD! OH GOD DON’T KILL ME! THIS CAN’T BE THE END! WHAT WAS THAT? DID YOU HEAR THAT? WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

If you ever think that you suffer from anxiety, let me advise you something, purchase a rabbit as a pet, they live their lives in a pure state of terror.

So that’s my suggestion. George needs a job. We could call him Southampton George. Or we could call him Hamptons George, East End Georgie, Long Island George, whatever.

 

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