Hamptons Police Blotter Reveals Tough Breaks, DMV Disturbance

Candy thieves, missing car keys and the return of Old Man McGumbus kept the Hamptons Police Blotter desk on its toes this week!

Tough Break 

A man was caught in Amagansett stealing a KitKat bar from a deli. When the man was being taken away, he was heard saying, “Can’t you guys just give me a break? Just give me one break? Just please give me a break of that KitKat bar!”

Car Key Theft

In East Hampton, the theft of a set of car keys was reported. I hate it when people steal my car keys and hide them all the time, too. Let’s hope we catch the perp behind this.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 101 and former World War II pigeon communication expert, was arrested last week for indecent exposure after he exposed himself to Sue McBisquick, 83 and 40-year office manager of the Shelter Island Department of Motor Vehicles. McGumbus was waiting on line at the Shelter Island DMV to register his 1985 Buick Regal and McBisquick was at the DMV giving a lecture to the employees entitled, “How To Deal Appropriately With Difficult People.” McGumbus was one of three people who was required to wait an hour while the lecture was being given. Finally, after being frustrated, McGumbus burst into the boardroom where the lecture was being held and said, “You know what you all can do? You all can kiss my A$$,” and then proceeded to expose his buttocks to the group.

Enraged, McBisquick threw a stapler at McGumbus, which landed in such a way that a staple pierced the right cheek of McGumbus. McBisquick demanded that McGumbus leave and called him a disgrace, to which he replied, “YOU GOD DAMN HIPPIE! YOU STAPLED ME IN THE BUTTOCKS!” McBisquick, immediately called police, which made it her 34th call to the police for the month of March alone. When the police arrived, they arrested both McBisquick and McGumbus on assault. Both parties were demanding to press charges.

You Never Know

Two men got into a fight over a winning lottery ticket that would have been worth $30—had they not gotten into the physical altercation inside a Hampton Bays gas station. During the fight one man tore the ticket in half, making it unusable.

Weapon

A 40-year-old man in East Hampton armed with a toy Jedi lightsaber accidentally injured his back and required medical attention after wielding the toy sword in his backyard.

U Can’t Touch This 

A man listening to music in his car extremely loudly was given a summons for blasting M.C. Hammer with the windows down on Main Street in Southampton. At first it was kind of cool, but then it got really annoying for everyone. Kind of like Hammer’s career, if you think about it.

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