The Hampton Subway: Week of March 18-24, 2012

Week of March 18-24, 2012

Riders this week: 53

Rider miles this week: 512

 

DOWN IN THE TUBE

A few people rode the subway system last Saturday for a few hours after the rate increase went into effect, but none of them were celebrities. After that, nobody was down there for the rest of the week.

 

HAMPTON SUBWAY NOW OWNS NEW YORK SUBWAY

The Hampton Subway System is now the proud owner of the New York City Subway System, a system nearly 1,000 times its size. The unusual sale, negotiated by our proud commissioner Bill Aspinall after half a dozen meetings with Mayor Michael Bloomberg, allowed for the transfer to take place for $1.

“The Hampton Subway has been successfully in operation for many years and they know what they are doing,” said Bloomberg. “The New York City Subway System, meanwhile, has been running at an annual deficit of $900 million. I am confident that with Mr. Aspinall’s knowledge of subways, this deficit can be turned into a surplus and I am happy to turn over the reins of it to him.”

“I appreciate the confidence the Mayor of New York has entrusted in me,” said the Commissioner. “We consider this at $1 to be a tremendous bargain, and we expect that everything on the New York Subway System will continue to run as usual as we take over.”

The deal was signed last Friday. On Saturday Commissioner Aspinall made his first move. Taking the advice of his accountants, he increased the fare on the Hampton Subway from $2 a ride to $20,141 a ride. The resulting increase multiplied by the usual number of riders every day would bring the New York system into balance. However attendance on the Hampton Subway did drop dramatically Saturday after the first few riders expressed anger about it—one said that the ride cost his entire life savings—but Hampton Subway remains open and available to all, still running below ground—it is raining as this is written—available for Hamptonites to get from one place to another in safety and without getting wet, if only they’d come on down.

In New York City, however, the price of a ride remained what it always was, as part of the agreement with Mayor Bloomberg. Those receiving paychecks or pensions or bonuses or overtime or lawsuit payouts or unemployment or even workmen’s comp injury payouts will be able to continue on as usual, as the Commissioner promised.

The New York Subway System, as a subdivision of Hampton Subway, is our most important asset, now,” said the Commissioner. “Everyone using the Hampton Subway is urged to take the usual number of rides as always. And the same is true in Manhattan.”

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLISON

Allison McFarland, our faithful and efficient receptionist at Hampton Subways’ headquarters in Hampton Bays, turns 42 on Friday. Everyone on the staff is invited down to the cafeteria for the cutting of the cake at 3 p.m.

 

ANIMALS

Due to the lack of riders on the Hampton Subway trains this past week, many animals have been seen on or alongside the tracks apparently having come out of the warehouses and storage rooms alongside the tunnels to see what is going on. It has delayed some trains by as much as 30 minutes to get the tracks clear. Among the animals spotted (and chased off) have been raccoons, a cow, two red fox, a black bear, a giant rat, a thoroughbred horse left behind after last year’s Hampton Classic Horse Show and a red-breasted South American tortoise weighing 22 pounds which we are told is the first of its kind, a new species. The Commissioner wants the new species to named Hamptonus Subwayatus.

 

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

For those who own stock in Hampton Subway as I do, this is a happy day indeed. Hampton Subway, in the stroke of a pen, has leaped into the center of the American Subway System melee. We are among the Big Boys. Where before our revenue totaled just $7 million a year, now Hampton Subway revenue totals more than $4 BILLION a year. It is true that the New York Subway System was a great drag on the city’s finances, as Mayor Bloomberg told me during our negotiations. But as I told him, the trick is simply to rejigger where all the money comes in from and cut down on expenses if at all possible. This is a tricky road. But I am spending today with our accountants, as I have the past few days, figuring it all out. Hampton Subway stock should be soaring in the weeks ahead.

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