The Hampton Subway: Week of May 8-14, 2012

Riders this week: 9,991

Rider miles this week: 99,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Seen on the subway between Bridgehampton and Sagaponack was former President Bill Clinton reading a copy of the book The Passage of Power, written by Bob Caro of Northwest. Clinton has been assigned the job of writing the review of it for the New York Times Book Review.

 

OFFICIAL BIRD SELECTED – 

A SURPRISE

A contest for subway riders to choose an official bird for the system is over. There were four entries straphangers could vote on by putting their votes in one of our suggestion boxes. They were the Common Grey Seagull, the Piping Plover, the Osprey or the Montauk Spotted Owl. The winners, in a tie, were the Montauk Spotted Owl and the Common Grey Seagull, and we have already authorized a local artist to design a logo of these two birds, embracing.

 

NEW DIETICIAN

Our new college-trained dietician, Gloria Hansenhaven, has, as her first act running the cafeteria at company headquarters in Hampton Bays, declared Wednesdays Chicken a la King Day. Delicious fruit and Jell-O molds are offered for dessert.

 

NO TESTING OF THE VIRUS SYSTEM

A few people have asked if Hampton Subway is going to test the virus detection system the way they are doing it in Boston. As you may know, the Homeland Security Administration has installed virus-sniffing systems on the ceilings of all subway tunnels in America, including ours, to warn straphangers of a terrorist leaving a backpack filled with killer viruses somewhere.

Up in Boston, subway commissioner O’Malley announced that non-deadly viruses will be released through the tunnels next Wednesday afternoon. He wants to see if the alarm goes off. The Straphangers are up in arms about this. They fear they will die from some deadly viruses that might get mixed in with the non-deadly viruses.

Rest assured that we here at Hampton Subway will not be testing our ceiling sniffers. If they work when needed, fine. If they don’t they don’t. We protect our customers, we don’t put them in harm’s way.

 

SPECIAL SUBWAY CARS 

FOR THE RICH

Hampton Subway will, beginning May 31, allow rich people or anybody else for that matter to have their own special subway car to ride in so nobody can bother them. The special cars will be stored at the regular yards and will be brand new cars that the Commissioner will order designed to the desired specifications. Inquiries can be made about this at the Hampton Subway office in Hampton Bays with our new young concierge intern, Alice Patch. Hampton Subway has purchased a 20-acre parcel of land adjacent to the subway yards from the Long Island Railroad and is surrounding it with barbed wire and German Shepherds to accommodate the new cars, which will be stored, of course, unlike the others, in a garage.

“When a celebrity or special person wishes to use the car,” said the Commissioner, “all he has to do is call in with a half hour’s notice and it will be hooked up to the back of a subway train and brought to the station requested.”

 

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am pleased to announce that Mayor Bloomberg and I have agreed for Hampton Subway to sell back to New York City the New York City Subway System, which New York City four months ago sold to Hampton Subway for $1. Details next week. For now, my wife and I are off to a much-needed 10-day cruise ship around the Mediterranean. Ciao Bellissimo, as the Italians say.

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