Hamptons Police Blotter

Unbelievably, there were a lot of parking tickets and DWI arrests over Memorial Day Weekend in the Hamptons. It’s just so strange, we didn’t think that would happen. Here’s the break down.

Shot

A man who was shot in East Hampton led police on a high speed pursuit through the Town on his way to the hospital. The police made chase because they weren’t sure if the person they were following was the person that was shot or the person that was the shooter.

 

DWI

14,567 people were arrested for DWI in the Hamptons over Memorial Day Weekend, a new world record.

 

Tickets

$357 million in parking ticket revenue was earned over Memorial Day Weekend in East Hampton after tourists were caught parking illegally. The ticket revenue is a new record. The Town remains in a deficit, however.

 

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus,107-years-old, President of the Shelter Island Committee of Bazooka History and former World War II infantry man who was the only survivor of the first wave of men who landed on the beaches of Normandy, was arrested last week for driving a military tank through the Town of Shelter Island, and blowing up a newly opened record shop. The record shop, which only sells vinyl records and has been attracting hipsters from Brooklyn, irritated the old man when he first heard about it opening in Amagansett. “But, then when they decided to open on Shelter Island, I had to act, these Goddamn hippies are destroying America.”

McGumbus, who has access to an M-1 tank (thanks to his financial interests and ownership of the Lockheed Martin Corporation) fired a single warning shot at the record store, which sent hipsters running for the hills. He then lined up a grenade and fired. Police arrested him. They were forced to Taser McGumbus after he resisted arrest. “Is that all you got!??,” McGumbus yelled out, but then he wet his pants and fainted on the ground. McGumbus’s attorney had no comment.

 

Shocking

A electrical fire in Hampton Bays was quickly put out after it shocked the owner. Badaboom! What do you want from me? It’s Memorial Day Weekend as I write this! I can’t be funny every week!

 

Loud Noises

A man at a movie theater in the Hamptons (I will not say which one) was asked to leave by security due to his uncontrolled flatulence. The situation did not require a police response, although it was pretty explosive.

 

Stolen Shoes

A pair of womens shoes was stolen from a store in East Hampton. The value of the shoes is $12,345. They are so cool that people don’t even know about them.

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