Let’s All Get Together in Quogue

I fancy myself a Scientist of sorts. I never got any of that formal type scientific education but I can keep up with them PhD’s. Just last week I came close to figuring out how to turn my toaster into a Panini Making Machine.

As my fellow scientists will confirm, science is often based on trial and error. Alexander Graham Bell got 214 busy signals before somebody answered the phone on the other end.

I have two scientific endeavors I wish to prove.

My first theory is based on the idea that if a mass of people congregate in Quogue, and all jump at the same time, the vibrations will be such that they will cause a mini-earthquake that will register on the Richter Scale? According to Wikipedia, the Richter Magnitude Scale refers to a number of ways to assign a single number to quantify the energy contained in an earthquake. In all cases, the magnitude is a base-10 logarithmic scale obtained by calculating the logarithm of the amplitude of waves measured by a seismograph. An earthquake that measures 5.0 on the Richter scale has a shaking amplitude 10 times larger and corresponds to an energy release of √1000 ≈ 31.6 times greater than one that measures 4.0. Rather than waiting for an earthquake to happen, so it can be studied, I believe we can create one. Thus, if I am correct, the lesser scientists can get to studying, instead of just waiting.

The second idea I have is to see if I can create a way to fight obesity. It is becoming an epidemic all over the world. That one needs a little more work but I have a few ideas in mind.

Either of these ideas could win the Nobel Prize in a number of categories. I am renewing my passport now, as the prize is awarded overseas. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

Dan’s Readers always come through! I need as many people as possible, who live in Quogue, are visiting Quogue, or are undocumented but working in Quogue, next Wednesday at 10 a.m., to stop what they are doing and start doing jumping jacks for exactly 15 minutes. It is imperative that you sustain them for the entire 15-minute period, without stopping.

From my seismic headquarters located not too far from the World’s Biggest Duck, I will be monitoring the “ground shake” for that period. I expect that with your help, we will have actually created a mini-earthquake. As soon as my findings are recognized and published in Scientific American Magazine, I will be offering a reprint to Dan’s Papers.

I really need some help on this one, so please do the best you can to help me bring the Nobel Prize where it belongs, here to Eastern Long Island. Also, the research derived may one day be used to save lives here and abroad.

As all scientists will tell you…their work is never done so once I have completed this experiment, I am immediately going to start working on my ideas on how to fight obesity. If I could just figure out a way to get people to exercise?


Note: Any damage sustained to the town of Quogue as a result of the experiment will be covered under FEMA. This experiment has not been sanctioned by the Association of Environmental & Engineering Geologists.

BACK TO Featured Stories

You must be logged in to vote.