Hamptons Police Blotter: Scams, Accidents, Fights and Fires

It was quite possibly the most dramatic event to have happened on Shelter Island since the great elephant escape that took place last year at the Shelter Island Zoo. That story and more rocked the Hamptons Police Blotter this week.

HIT BY A TRUCK

A woman in East Hampton was hit by a pickup truck that was backing out of a driveway. The woman was injured, airlifted to the hospital, and then released and is now in recovery. She was walking against traffic when she was hit according to the police report. No charges have been filed by either party and no alcohol was involved in the incident.

SCAM!

The Long Island Power Authority has sent out a warning to customers after a scam was discovered involving utility bills. The scam is a letter that states a Federal program will pay for their utility bills, and in order for the customer to qualify, they have to provide a social security number and bank routing number. You got to admit, even if you are a liberal, that it’s pretty scary that there is so much government now people are being duped into something like this.

SHELTER ISLAND

Old Man McGumbus, 105 years old, former World War II B-52 Bomber Pilot, owner of the Shelter Island Military Camp For Boys and fourth degree black belt in Karate, was arrested last week after he assaulted a 29-year-old man during a fundraiser on Shelter Island to raise money for his foundation, The Building Shelter Island Health Trust, or BULSIHT for short. The trust was attempting to raise $300,000 for an ongoing study that McGumbus is spearheading to determine the structural integrity of historical homes on Shelter Island. The current home being studied is in fact Old Man McGumbus’ current residence. Since the inception of the trust under McGumbus’ leadership 30 years ago, the house has grown from a small three bedroom home into a sprawling estate stretching out over 20,000 square feet. The fact that McGumbus’ home is the only home that has benefited from BULSIHT was recently written about in an editorial in the local newspaper on Shelter Island by investigative reporter Billy McDougle, the current fiancé to Jennifer McBisquick, Old Man McGumbus’ step-daughter. When Old Man McGumbus saw Billy at the fundraiser, he immediately karate chopped him in the neck and then did a flying scissor kick to his face, and the two began to wrestle. Billy tried to gain control of McGumbus’ small frame, but McGumbus wiggled his way out and began beating him with a tiki torch, which caused a fire to the entire tent. The fight continued as the entire structure burned to the ground, with Billy taking most of the punishment. “FIGHT BACK YOU BASTARD!” McGumbus yelled as he punched Billy in the face. But for some reason, Billy continued to take the punishment. “YOU DON’T GET IT MCGUMBUS! I’M MARRYING YOUR STEP-DAUGHTER WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!”

“DAMN YOU!”

At which point McGumbus hurled one final punch that Billy dodged, which sent McGumbus headed toward a cliff. Losing his footing, McGumbus fell over the ledge and dangled over the side hanging onto a tree branch. The drop surely would lead to sudden death. “TAKE MY HAND!” Billy cried.

“NEVER!”

McGumbus continued to struggle. As he gave one last slip, McGumbus let go, but Billy, in mid-air, caught the old man from falling. “DAMN YOU OLD MAN MCGUMBUS. I SHOULD JUST LET YOU DIE!”

And he hoisted McGumbus off of the cliff and back to safety. As the tent fire was put out, the two of them stared together at the fire in silence, at which point McGumbus took a flask out of his breast pocket filled with Wild Turkey Kentucky Bourbon. McGumbus took a sip, then handed it over to Billy. “You know what kid? You’re all right.”

It was at this point that both men were tackled by local police officers, Tasered, and arrested.

SHELTER ISLAND

Nothing else really happened.

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