Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 20-26, 2012

Week of July 20-26, 2012

Riders this past week: 17,424

Rider miles this past week: 191,645

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Our crew of celebrity spotters who ride the subways every day looking for celebrities to mention in this column came up empty this week. If it happens again, our Commissioner told them, they will all be fired.

MIXUP REGARDING MITT ROMNEY’S DEPARTURE

Hampton Subway, having been told by reliable sources that our future President Mitt Romney, finishing with the three private fundraisers hosted by wealthy donors, planned to leave the Hamptons by subway from Southampton on Saturday at 8 p.m. So we arranged a triumphal exit for him. On hand at the top of the stairs going down to the platform (a garland of red white and blue flowers circled the railings) was the Hampton Harbor High School Marching Band to greet him as he arrived with the Star Spangled Banner when he stepped from his limo to the curb there. (They had even flatbedded over the big cannon they fire during this performance.) Down the stairs, the platform was cleared of our regular straphangers, American flags were hung from the ceiling and on the tracks, our best subway train, all recently polished and shined up, was waiting for him with an ADIOS MITT banner on it. Also there was Commissioner Aspinall and his new right hand man and public relations director Tom Basketball to offer up a special plaque to commemorate his visit on which was spelled out the $4,000,000 he raised.

As it happened, however, Mitt Romney left by private plane. Hampton Subway first learned of this when all the band members looked up to see the big new Airbus 380 with his name on the side he uses, all loaded up with his entourage, just barely clearing the trees with all that weight and then flying off with a massive rumble to the west.

Mr. Wachter, the bandmaster, signaled for the band to play the SSB, which they did as the plane flew over, and at the right spot the cannon was fired. Also, the baton twirlers did hold off on throwing the batons up in the air until it was certain they would not hit the low flying plane.

A messenger then ran downstairs to tell the Commissioner what happened.

A FOND FAREWELL TO BILLY!

A party was held last Wednesday at noon in the Hampton Bays headquarters cafeteria for Billy “Willie” Bananas, the chief accountant at Hampton Subway who was recently exonerated from wrongdoing after the DA’s probe into the financial affairs of the company. He is taking another job, we are told, heading up a new rival subway system that somebody says will be started here in the Hamptons shortly.

CHANGE IN THE NEWSLETTER

As a reader pointed out in a letter to the editor last week, the listing of the number of riders for the week and the rider miles for the week, which says “riders this week” suggests the number of these riders and rider miles referred to are for the upcoming week, which would be impossible to know. To make this clearer, we from now on will indicate this as “Riders this past week” instead of “Riders this week” and the same thing with the rider miles. The editor of the newsletter, Mabel Applesauce, says she is sorry and intends to step down after this issue.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am still over here in the south of France, in deep discussions with the Mayors of Cote d’Azure, Nice, Cannes and St. Tropez about the benefits of their having a subway system along this coast here. We met in the Hotel Metropole about this last night. Topless bathers would not be welcome on such a subway of course. I would also like to recommend a small but wonderful family restaurant we ate at last night called La Faigoule. Forget all those Michelin restaurants with those big stars, this is the place to be.

 

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