The Hamptons Police Blotter: Sex Dummy, Hippie Hunts and Further Crime

If you only knew the truth about Old Man McGumbus, you wouldn’t believe it. This week in the Hamptons there were some absolutely sensational crimes. Even this writer can’t believe it.

Stolen Sex Dummy
A sex dummy was reportedly stolen from a retirement home in Springs.

Hippie Hunt
For the first time in 43 years, Old Man McGumbus, 103 years old and former World War II steamboat captain, decided to venture off of Shelter Island last week in an effort “to save Montauk from an unacceptable invasion of hippies.” McGumbus, a well known anti-hippie activist, wore black suspenders, white socks up to his knees, a white golf shirt and khaki shorts up to his stomach. He entered Montauk with one mission—to beat with a leather belt any hippie that he saw. In an instant, McGumbus began beating three men who were wearing skinny jeans and black rimmed glasses. The three men began to say, “Dude, what the hell, man?” as McGumbus said, “LEARN HOW TO BE A MAN YOU GOD DAMN HIPPIE AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!” as he beat the men senseless. But after savagely attacking 15 people, McGumbus grew weary and collapsed. He was taken to Southampton Hospital, where his press secretary released this statement: “To the people of Montauk, I am Old Man McGumbus of Shelter Island. I am 105 years old and never have I seen a worse invasion of hippies into such a small community. As a resident of Shelter Island, I feel like Montauk is my blood relative, and I feel compelled to help you with your battle to rid your town of the grown men who are destroying America, one pair of Converse sneakers at a time.”

Stolen Painting
A painting of the Little Mermaid was stolen from a gallery on the East End. Maybe the Little Mermaid just really needed to get out of the painting world and into the weird world. After all, we have heard her singing, “Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete? Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl, the girl who has ev’rything? Look at this trove, treasures untold. How many wonders can one cavern hold? Lookin’ around here you’d think (Sure) she’s got everything. I’ve got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore (You want thingamabobs? I got 20) but who cares? No big deal, I want more. I wanna be where the people are, I wanna see. Wanna see ‘em dancin’, walkin’ around on those (whad’ya call ‘em?) oh—feet. Flippin’ your fins you don’t get too far. Legs are required for jumpin’, dancin’, strollin’ along down a (what’s that word again?) street…”
You know something, after just reading
this and listening to the song in my head,
this police blotter writer has realized
two things. 1. The Little Mermaid is really a selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, social-climbing little brat. And 2., the Little Mermaid is an idiot. I mean, seriously, who the hell doesn’t know what a street is?

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