Hamptons Police Blotter: No Honor Students Here

Problems behind the wheel and on Shelter Island made for another busy week for the Hamptons Police Blotter.

IMMIGRANT
An actor from Albania on his way to the Hamptons International Film Festival was arrested by Customs and Border Protection agents after his immigration status did not check out. The man was starring in a movie about immigration in America. He said he left his country to escape political persecution.

NOT AN HONOR STUDENT
A young man from Patchogue was arrested in Sag Harbor after he was spotted by police driving all over the road and found to be intoxicated. When police went to arrest the man, he became combative, started to flail his arms and refused to be handcuffed. Eventually, however…he was.

Probably Not An Honor Student Either
A 17-year-old East Hampton girl was arrested for being in possession of a stolen credit card and marijuana. The girl was pulled over because the car she was driving did not have any license plates, and when police approached the vehicle it smelled of marijuana.

Shelter Island
Old Man McGumbus, 101 years old; current national bodybuilding champion for the 95-years-old-and-up category; current President of the Shelter Island Authority on Alcohol, Firearms and Escorts; and former World War II demolitions captain, was arrested last week for illegally operating a massage parlor and spa out of his home on Shelter Island. McGumbus had set up his home to house 15 women—five from Russia, five from Brazil and five from Romania—all of whom were living and working within his residence. The spa did not have many customers, but all of the women were happily employed because McGumbus paid them to “operate the spa as effectively as possible while I continued to work on my marketing strategy.” The jig was up when McGumbus’s ex-wife, Suzie McBisquick, Chief Administrator of the Shelter Island DMV, called police. When police arrived at McGumbus’s home, they found him sitting in a large marble hot tub (which was built without zoning approval) filled with blueberries and bath bubbles, while two Brazilian women were rubbing his feet, two Russian women massaging his arms, and one Romanian woman massaging his back using Wild Turkey bourbon as massage oil. McGumbus was highly intoxicated because a blonde Russian named Natasha was serving him shots of Wild Turkey that he drank out of her belly button. While being arrested, all of the women began to scream, but McGumbus, oddly, did not put up a fight. While the women were rounded up McGumbus could be heard yelling, “Don’t worry ladies, there is only one cell for all of us! We’ll be fine!”

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