Hamptons Epicure: Another Year on Fabu Island

When I was first asked to write a year-in-review column it seemed odd. No other regional magazine covers such a star-studded array of personalities, events
and oddity—but did that much really happen in this, my first year as Senior Editor at Dan’s Papers?

After some thought I realized that it had been a big year for me and for the paper. I was just too busy to notice.

In 2012 I interviewed chefs Jean-Georges Vongerichten, Eric Ripert and Tom Colicchio! Plus I reviewed some top restaurants including the North Fork Table, Luce’s Landing, South Edison, Osteria Salina and Southfork Kitchen. Of course it wasn’t all about food—just mostly. Dan’s Papers second annual Taste of Two Forks event in July was even bigger than in its first year, and that’s great news for local food pantries that the event helps support.

I thought to mention, for our readership’s edification, some things I’ve learned in my 13 years on this zany East End:

Don’t DIY a swimming pool in your basement.

If someone on the East End looks famous, he or she probably is.

Don’t shop at BJ’s Wholesale Club in Riverhead on an empty stomach.

The appropriate response to viewing any new work of art is, “How very brave.”

Don’t talk about when to wear/when not to wear white because NO ONE CARES.

Never underestimate the frugality of the wealthy.

Even a lost little turtle that appears to need your help crossing the road may not be friendly.

Don’t set a fire in your fireplace while running the air conditioning. It’s not just incredibly wasteful—it’s CRASS.

Be polite to everyone. You may not know them yet—but you will. Sooner or later they’ll be your building inspector, kid’s teacher or in-law.

Don’t sport non-matching shoes to look snappy. Even if they’re both Stubbs & Wootton, people will just assume that you got dressed in the dark.

No discussion of the Hamptons would be complete without some pointers regarding the PB (the profoundly boring), how to spot them right away and how best to interact with them.

What the profoundly boring feel the need to talk to you about:

#1. How they learned to type

#2. Their first New York apartment

#3. Panettone

#4. This one’s a tie—auto insurance and pet costumery

In order to convince someone that you’re listening to what they’re saying, maintain eye contact at all times. The appropriate response to all assertions that they make is “Huh.”

Never, ever give out your real phone number.

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