Hamptons Police Blotter: McGumbus Gets Arrested “Researching” Women

Well, the year is behind us, but crime is not. Here in the Hamptons, the police were dealing with many people bringing the rukus.

Online Crime Map

An online crime map is now officially available to residents of the Hamptons, in case you want to look up people who have been arrested and email details of their arrest to all of your friends. A fun thing to do…until it happens to you. Just ask Old Man McGumbus.

 

Not Too Bright

A man in Riverhead decided that instead of getting arrested with crack cocaine on his person, he would swallow it whole. Police caught him in the act and prevented him from swallowing the crack, but how they did this was not revealed in the report. We really hope nobody’s cheeks were squeezed.

 

Shelter Island

In an effort to regulate New Year’s Eve parties on Shelter Island, Old Man McGumbus, 103 years old and chairman and founder of the Shelter Island Housing Authority for Private Events, was arrested last week after he was  taking pictures of Shelter Island Beauty Queen of 1926 Stacia McCaficito through the window of her home and claiming they were for pre-party research purposes only.

 

Bad Doggy

A dog in Southampton was barking so aggressively outside of a deli that the owner had to ask for help from bystanders to calm it down. When the canine continued, the deli owner finally solved the problem by feeding the dog bacon. Works every time.

 

JUMP FOR JOY

A man in Southampton is doing just fine after he accidentally hurt himself while jumping on a large trampoline that he bought for his daughter for the holidays. The trampoline injury took place after the man attempted to do a back flip on the trampoline, but instead ended up doing a classic trampadampsampdugene face-plant.

 

Purse Perp

Police are still on the hunt for a woman who has been stealing purses. Don’t get confused, though, she hasn’t been stealing them from people—she’s been stealing them off of store shelves. Designer purses can sell for hundreds to thousands to tens of thousands of dollars, but for much less on the black market.

 

Born to Be Wild

A man on the North Fork dressed in full black leather and driving a motorcycle was reportedly blaring “Born To Be Wild” from his bike’s speakers at such a high volume that several complaints were made. What do you expect a guy like that to be playing, “Call Me Maybe?”

 

 

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