The Hamptons Subway Newsletter: January 18–24

Riders this past week: 8,512

Rider miles this past week: 74,122

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Madonna, in full riding gear, was seen on the subway heading from Water Mill to Bridgehampton last Saturday afternoon. Brave girl, riding horses in freezing weather. Also seen on the subway on Sunday afternoon was Jon Stewart, dressed as a circus clown with a big red nose and lipstick, leaving Sag Harbor heading for East Hampton. At least we think it was him.

WEDDING RING

An expensive wedding ring was found on the tracks late Wednesday night by Fred Fallows, one of our maintenance men, out sweeping up at 3 a.m., in the tunnel just east of Southampton. The subway is shut down for maintenance from 2 to 6 a.m., as you know. We’ve taken the ring to a local jeweler who says the diamond is nine carats and worth approximately $100,000, and the red rubies, which surround it, are worth even more. If you know whose ring this might be and they can identify it, we would happily return it to its rightful owner.

Several riders on the subway reported earlier that night seeing a man and woman shoving one another and shouting loudly in the last car leaving Southampton eastbound, but after a while, after a window was heard open and shut, they calmed down. The witness reporting this didn’t look up during the altercation so they couldn’t identify these people, but they wanted us to know.

The prior night, maintenance man Bob Cassidy found a rubber ducky on the tracks. We find things out there all the time.

GUN CONTROL

As you know, Hamptons Subway is a private company, not public, so we make our own rules on what we will allow and not allow on the subway cars. As far as guns go, our board of directors was very divided on this topic, some in favor of guns for good people so they could protect themselves from bad people, and others opposed to guns in the same way they fought for no smoking on the subway, which is now the law. In the end, it was decided that guns would be allowed on the subway, but only the kinds of guns that were known at the time of the writing of the U. S. Constitution. So flintlock pistols and blunderbusses are permitted, also cannons, if you can get one down the escalators.

NEW FINGERPRINT TURNSTILE EXPERIMENT

You will find that as of last week, the last subway turnstile on the Bridgehampton platform will let you in if you place your thumb on the glass of a computer screen there. Regular swipe cards won’t do. To use it, go to the token booth and register your thumbprint. The clerk there will ask for your name, email address, Social Security number and date of birth. She will enter it all for you. Then without further ado, you can use your thumb. Hamptons Subway is always interested in new technology, so for the next six months we’ll see how it goes. Perhaps it’s the wave of the future.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I would like to thank every subway staff member who voted for me last week in our biannual election for a new commissioner. It was very gratifying that the vote was unanimous, and so I eagerly and enthusiastically embark on this, my third term in that office. Your vote reassures me that as far as my decision making for Hamptons Subway in the past is concerned, I am on the right track. As for the future, I will be happy to take this organization all the way to the light at the tunnel at the end of the line, if that is your wish.

 

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