The Hamptons Subway: Week of March 17–23, 2013

Riders this past week: 7,412 Rider miles this past week: 89,810

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Marshall Brickman was seen on the Hamptons Subway riding with friends between East Hampton and Sag Harbor. It appeared they were going on some kind of outing.

HAMPTONS SUBWAY BEING SOLD?

The Hamptons Subway recently received the letter below from someone who wants to take over the Hamptons Subway. All the current stockholders have been contacted. Nobody knows anything about this. There is no public stock available. If you happen to know what this is about, could you let us know? Currently, our Commissioner, Bill Aspinall, is in North Korea at a bowling tournament and is unavailable.

Dear Sirs:

My name is Aeso Fable, Esq. I am a legal professional specializing in International Tube Law. I represent a client, Tubes of London, Ltd. a multi-national conglomerate that owns and operates throughout the world many subways and bridges (most notably the Milwaukee Subway, the Cape Cod Subway, the Gravina Island Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge). “TUBES” as it is known on the exchange, is interested in acquiring ownership of the Hamptons Subway (hereinafter referred to as “Hamptons Subway”). Please accept this Letter of Intent as evidence of my client’s desire to engage in negotiations for the sale of said Hamptons Subway. As part of my client’s due diligence, my client has observed that ridership has been lackluster of late and believes the current owners are likely struggling to attract a new breed to their faithful ridership. In fact, our accountants estimate that for the year ending March 31, 2013, gross revenues will have fallen precipitously from prior years. We take note that Hamptons Subway is not considering increasing part-time paid motorman positions for the upcoming, soon-to-be-here 2013 busy summer season. Upon acquisition, my client will take said Hamptons Subway public with an Initial Public Offering (IPO). Funds generated from the IPO will be allocated to build several shortlines

from the new supermarket to the new ice rink; from the old hospital to the new hospital; and from unspecified various other locations to other unspecified various other locations. Be advised my client has dismissed prior solicitations from the East Hampton IDA (Industrial Development Agency) to collaborate on an intermodal transload and distribution port facility that would connect truck, air, bus, rail, and ship modes of transporting cargo. With proper tax breaks, my client might nevertheless re-consider. Certainly a capital-intensive venture of such magnitude will bring economic relief to the region. My client is prepared to make a cash offer and is willing to tender unmarked tens and twenties at closing. However, should the seller prefer Mastercard, VISA, Discover or American Express, my client will not have a problem.

Once a sale price has been agreed upon, my client will be ready, willing and able to proceed to settlement forthwith. For undiscloseable reasons, settlement must occur on April 1, 2013. Please advise if the owners of the Hamptons Subway are represented by legal counsel. All current employees will keep their positions. My client cannot assure Mr. McGumbus a full-time position, but is willing to offer him a per diem honorarium seat on the board. Finally, we ask you to keep our intentions and negotiations confidential. In your reply to this letter, please state your asking price in U.S. dollars. Thank you for your attention to this matter. I remain…

Very truly yours, Aeso Fable, Esq.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Mr. Aspinall, please come home, we need you.

BACK TO From The Paper

 
logo
You must be logged in to vote.
logo