Hamptons Police Blotter: Escape at Shelter Island Zoo

It was as if the entire animal kingdom ran wild on Shelter Island last week. Luckily McGumbus had things under control.

Moving Violation

After a woman took her husband’s Porsche out for a spin and subsequently drove the car into the bay in East Hampton near Lazy Point,  sinking it. Police responded to a scene that included the sunken Porsche and the screaming driver. After she was rescued, she allegedly told police that she’d deliberately accelerated the Porsche while driving toward a ramp that lead into the bay. She was charged with drinking and driving. No word from the husband about her driving his cars in the future.

Moving Violation, Too

A 64-year-old woman was arrested last week after she was caught driving a black Jaguar in the middle of the road. Police found her in an intoxicated state and she failed all field sobriety tests. The Jaguar was impounded. Maybe it sits next to a wet Porsche?

All Terrain Vehicles

A house watcher in East Hampton called police when she spotted men driving ATVs on the property of the home she was watching. Police arrived and the woman told police that she would not press charges but would find out if the owners of the home would want to. The ATV drivers protested that notion, stating that their vehicles were “All Terrain.” And “we take that literally,” they said.

Shelter Island

Four kangaroos, three African zebras, one elephant, four Bengal tigers and two male lions escaped the Shelter Island Zoo last week after protesters for the Shelter Island Organization of Animal Rights Activists deliberately let them loose. An estimated $27,000 in damage to private property resulted after an elephant sat on and crushed a 2013 Fiat. The animals were rounded up, thankfully, by Old Man McGumbus, 103 years old, Captain of the Shelter Island Rugby team and former World War II chemical warfare specialist.

McGumbus, using a powerful sleeping agent, cleverly spread the chemical through Shelter Island’s water supply, thus putting nearly every living thing on Shelter Island to sleep.

McGumbus then hogtied all of the animals and brought them back to the zoo before the island woke up.

“I got the idea from when we sacked the Nazi-occupied island of Osikapackawaka in 1949, except back then, we just poisoned the water.”

Saltwater System

A saltwater pool system was stolen from a home in Water Mill. Police are on the case, but in the meantime they advised the homeowner to jump into the ocean.

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