The Hamptons Subway: Week of June 27 – July 4, 2013

Riders this past week: 13,989

Rider miles this past week: 103,900

 

COINCIDENCE?

This is the third week in a row that the number of riders and the number of rider miles on the Hampton Subway has matched the week before. After the second week, we said this was a coincidence. Now it is apparent we are witnessing a miracle. We have investigated this. This is exactly what is happening. It’s a sign!

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Artist Peter Max was seen on the subway carrying a painting wrapped up in butcher paper and tied with a string. He got off at the Southampton subway stop. Was he delivering the Fourth of July cover for
Dan’s Papers?

 

MISS HAMPTONS SUBWAY AND MORE!

Remember years ago when the New York Subway System had the Miss Subway contests sponsored by Rheingold Beer? Now, thanks to our new marketing director Hal Birthright, we are going to have a 21st century version of that competition during the month of July. Cast your votes by email for the photos of the different candidates you see on our website. We will have three winners. There will be a Miss Subway for women, a Mr. Subway for men and a M. Subway for transgenders. Everyone entering as a transgender has a higher likelihood to win because there are fewer of them. Is it all right to say that?

 

WRAPPING THE SUBWAY CARS

Advertising director Malcolm Blatnik is going for the gold this summer. In addition to the ads in the subway cars over the windows, he’s now selling wraps around individual subway cars. You’ve seen these full-color advertising wraps around the Hampton Jitney busses. Your business can buy a wrap. The cost is $25,000 a wrap for a car per month. But that’s not what you pay! We’ve calculated that the wraps are only visible 10% of the time the subway cars are in use. 90% of the time they are in tunnels where nobody sees them and so they don’t do anybody any good. Therefore, the cost is just 10% of the $25,000. This is a great bargain.
Call us.

 

THE PUSHERS

Those young interns in the helmets, padded vests and boxing gloves helping to push people from the platforms onto the trains are highly trained and are only permitted to say certain phrases to the customers. They include “There you go,” “Sorry about that” and “Pardon me, I’m here to help.” If a pusher says anything else while on the job, immediately report him or her to the token booth agent. And keep in mind, by using boxing gloves, a pusher can’t actually touch a straphanger, so it’s impossible to sue a pusher for “inappropriate contact.”

 

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Hamptons Subway has received reports that for a half-hour every afternoon beginning at 3 p.m., a rogue subway train which reads “Toronto Subway” on the sides, is plying through the system, joining in picking up passengers and letting them off. Then it’s gone. We’re looking into this.

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