I’m so pale. Why am I so pale? I need to get some sun. It’s summertime. I can’t be one of those guys who never goes out into the sunshine. What is this? Is that sunblock with an SPF of 8? What are you, crazy! I need a tan! I need my Vitamin D! Do you realize how many people in America aren’t getting enough Vitamin D these days? I’m going to get shingles. I’m going to become one of those guys who has weak bones, looks like he’s dying and looks ridiculous because he is so white in the summertime. Off to the beach I go. Screw the sunblock, screw the shade—I need sun, it’s healthy.
Oh dear God what have I done to myself? Look at me! I’m like a lobster. No, I’m worse than a lobster. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I get sunburnt every year? Everybody and their mother knows that too much sun gives you skin cancer. It kills people, for crying out loud. Is that a mole on my hip, OH MY GOD IS IT BIGGER?!?! DAMN YOU, SUNSHINE!!! I need to buy aloe. I need to buy cocoa butter. I swear on that I will never venture out into the sunshine for a single minute without wearing sunblock.
Why is everything so hot? I’m sitting at dinner and my skin feels like it’s on fire. Please, please, just bring me a glass of water and a side of ice, if you don’t mind. I’m a fool, I ventured out into the sun, yes I know, next time I will wear sunblock.
What’s that? You want to go to the beach tomorrow, honey? Absolutely, but let’s be sure to stop at CVS and buy some sunblock.
Since when does it cost $20 to buy a can of sunblock? Bring on the SPF 70, bring on the umbrella. I don’t care what it costs—my health, my very life is at stake here. Yes, I’ll pay it, yes, I want the one that you spray all over like bug spray, it’s easier to apply, I’ll just use it to spray my back, my stomach, my legs, my ears, my face…. Why are my eyes burning like I’ve just been pepper sprayed? Oh my God, it’s really bad. It’s like…really bad. I have to get into the ocean and rinse out my eyes. I can barely see anything.
Holy crap, this water is cold. Okay, no big deal, I used to be a lifeguard a decade ago, I’ll just swim underwater with my eyes open to wash out the sunblock that is stinging me. Here we go….I’m blind, I can’t see a damn thing. It stings. Why would a grown man think it’s logical to wash his eyes out with salt water? That’s it, I’m going home, I’m not going out in the sun for another week.
What’s that you say? Yes, I do live year-round in the Hamptons and love the ocean. I look pale to you? Really? Pale like I’m sick pale or just the normal pale? The normal pale? What does that mean? Does that mean you think I should get some more sun? Maybe I should go out. How can I waste such a beautiful day in the outdoors like this? It’s my God-given right as a Long Islander to spend time outdoors. I don’t want to end up like one of those people who never leaves his computer. Yes, I do feel a little tired today. You could be right, it could be because I’m not getting enough Vitamin D…
Read more from David Lion Rattiner at DansPapers.com.