Only in the Hamptons…Bizarre Beach Stories

At the end of my road, a Southampton Policeman will occasionally park and eat a quick bite or even catch up on some paperwork. When I walk by and he is there, I say hello and sometimes even chat it up for a minute or two. Recently, we were talking about nothing in particular and I asked the question, “What is the most bizarre thing you have ever seen at the beach?” His response got me thinking, and I posed the same question to more people:

Policeman: “I received a call that a man at the beach, who I quickly discovered was European and unaware of our no-nudity policies in Southampton, was naked and rubbing suntan lotion all over his body. There was nothing perverted about it, but he was making sure he had slathered lotion on all parts of his body…if you get my drift.”

Barber: “My wife and I were at the beach and a guy walks up and plunks down an easel and canvas, right next to us. With no explanation and without asking permission, he proceeds to paint us laying out in our bathing suits.”

Coffee Shop Patron: “A couple of years ago, I think it was in early August, a man was walking a leashed skunk on the beach, in the middle of the afternoon. It didn’t leave an odor, but still—it was a skunk!”

Jitney Stranger: “It was several years ago and a lady spreads out a blanket next to me and my fiancée. She is wearing a skimpy two-piece bathing suit. A minute later, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a razor and shaving cream and proceeds to shave her legs, arms, underarms and other personal parts in order to get a better tan. My fiancée was shocked and we left the beach and did not return that day.”

Artist Friend: “I was teaching an early morning art class on the beach. There were a half-dozen students, and the assignment was to paint a beautiful beach landscape. When all was said and done, everyone had painted a beach landscape, except for one rather odd fellow who had painted a corpse on the beach and seagulls eating the eyeballs. We did not invite him back for any future classes.”

Neighbor: “I and my wife of 38 years saw two guys at the beach. It was the end of July in 1975 and the sun was just coming up. I remember it because we decided to take the rare early morning walk. Anyhow, these guys had shovels and a pile of sand beside them that looked as if it could have been excavated with a giant backhoe. But there were no tire tracks to the place they were standing.  It must have taken them all night to excavate that much sand, we postulated. When they saw us, they hurriedly started refilling the hole with the very same sand that had been dug. The next day we read in the paper that Jimmy Hoffa was missing. We have never discussed this since that day.”

Triathlon Buddy: “I was just finishing my swim one morning, and as I was emerging from the water, I noticed there were a bunch of guys standing around me in a semi-circle. I then observed a fishing boat was fast closing in on me as well. What was strange was that everyone on the beach and in the boat were wearing suits—and I don’t mean bathing suits. Then I recognized the one person who was not formally dressed. It was the former President of the United States. A few seconds later, he actually approached me and we talked for several minutes.”

Zelma: “I was at the beach and I thought I was in an alien world, where people were being mutated. That’s because there were about 50 sets of identical twins, all in matching beach attire. I later found out that they were shooting a commercial for Doublemint gum.”

Homer: “I saw a guy with a several long-eared rabbits at the beach. He dug a hole in the sand and then let them play in it. After a while, he pulled out a bag of greens and served them lunch. He even took one of the rabbits to the water and let him splash around a bit.  Later, he packed them up and left. Nobody seemed to mind.  The rabbits were well behaved.”

Cary: “I was there when a whale, obviously in distress, partially beached himself. It was sad and people were running around and screaming all over the place. Even though the sea was angry that day, this bald man, who represented himself to be a marine biologist, calmly waded out into the surf, climbed on the back of the giant fish and removed a golf ball that was obstructing the blowhole. The whale happily swam away.”

Wait a minute…I saw that episode of Seinfeld.

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