The Hamptons Subway: Week of July 20-27, 2013

Riders this past week: 15,823

Rider miles this past week: 113,412s

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Gwyneth Paltrow and J.Lo were seen riding in a subway car across from each other either by accident or on purpose on the subway between Wainscott and East Hampton Tuesday. Justin Bieber was seen between East Hampton and Montauk on Saturday night at 11 p.m. heading east. Someone who looked a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio was seen leaning against the platform newsstand at the Hampton Bays station on Thursday. Tony Walton was seen heading to East Hampton from Bridgehampton on Friday. Three Vladimirs were seen on the subway this past week. They were Vladimir Putin, the Russian President, Vladimir Nabokov, the novelist and Wladimir Klitschko, the famous Ukrainian prize fighter.

HELP US NAME THE CARS

We’re having a subway car naming contest! Submit your proposed name for one of the 38 cars we have on the system. Drop your suggestion in the suggestion box on the wall by the turnstiles at any platform, and indicate which car should bear the name you are suggesting. The cars are numbered 5 through 29, then 31 to 44. We don’t know why. We asked Commissioner Aspinall what he would suggest, and he asked his kids for suggestions. His 5- year-old daughter Angela suggested “The Little Engine that Could.” His 11-year-old son Bart suggested “The Terminator.” This is no fooling. When you get on a commercial airliner, it has a name. It’s there right under the pilot’s window. “Cloud Jumper.” Or “Duchess of the Skies.” Or “Soaring American Eagle.” But none are suitable for a subway car.

SYMPHONY

As a special treat for subway riders, Mr. Aspinall has arranged for the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra to come to the platform at the Southampton stop on Thursday at noon to perform Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s famous 1812 Overture. The orchestra will take up the entire platform so those wishing to hear it must stay up on the street where the music will be piped up by loudspeaker. The performance ends with the earsplitting sound of a cannon being fired. No trains will be stopping at the Southampton station between 11:45 a.m. and 1 p.m. so as to allow the performers to take their instruments, music stands and folding chairs up the escalator to the waiting busses afterwards.

SUBWAY ENTRANCE TO BE MOVED?

The Bridgehampton Council is considering asking that the entrance to the Bridgehampton subway stop be moved from the sidewalk in front of the Candy Kitchen to the parking lot in the back. It’s too tempting for the children to resist going in for an ice cream after the frightening bumpy ride from wherever, which we’re currently working on fixing.

ANNUAL REPORT

Hampton Subway’s annual report was issued to the stockholders last week. If you are a stockholder but didn’t get one, call our office. If you are not a stockholder but did get one, please return it to our office unopened.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Hampton Subway wants to know what YOU think. If you have any suggestions, just get up on the bench in any subway car and shout it into the surveillance camera just below the ceiling in every car. This will save a lot of work and energy, as we will not have to unlock the suggestion boxes on all the platforms every day, remove what’s in them, take them to headquarters, sort them out, make up a report and file them.

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