The Hamptons Subway Newsletter: September 13–19, 2013

Week of September 13–19, 2013
Riders this past week: 9,412
Rider miles this past week: 97,846

DOWN IN THE TUBE
A blizzard of dazzling celebrities rode the subway last week. There were so many of them, they were difficult to count. They included Joy Behar, Cameron Diaz, Mike Lupica, Bill Clinton, Kelly Klein, Brooke Shields, Jessica Seinfeld, Ina Garten, Steven Spielberg, Matt Lauer, Lorne Michaels, Jack Nicholson, Jimmy Buffett and Martha Stewart. We were baffled by this until we learned yesterday that all the celebs had a meeting and decided to all ride the subway on the same week as a prank. Some prank. Some of our spotters suffered heart palpitations.

SUBWAY PLANS FOR HIFF
Hamptons Subway petitioned the Hamptons International Film Festival last week, asking if some movies, perhaps of the film noir genre, might be shown on our subway platforms, but got turned down. (Nothing new. Over 40,000 films are considered for the festival every year and only 97 chosen, we were told by somebody. Everything gets turned down.) As a result, Hamptons Subway will present its own petit film noir fest on the holiday. We will show Double Indemnity, Laura, The Maltese Falcon, The Big Sleep, Pickup on South Street  and Sweet Smell of Success as double features beginning at 9 p.m. on the Westhampton, Hampton Bays, Southampton and East Hampton platforms. Names of films will be posted in the token booth windows nightly. Schedules will be adhered to, but it might take a straphanger longer to grope to their trains in the dark around the screen and folding chairs set up. Also, straphangers are asked to keep quiet and silence cell phones.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Next Tuesday, motorman John “Toot Toot” McPharmacy turns 52 with a big birthday celebration. Company Dietician Alice Greenwald is making a cake in the shape of a subway car with a man waving happily out the motorman’s window near the front, a real masterpiece for the occasion. The party will begin at 3 p.m. in the company cafeteria on the third floor of our Hampton Bays headquarters building. And Alice says that although the cake will be of the usual ingredients, it will be environmentally aware, as parts of the subway car cake will be decorated with green icing.

NEW LIGHTBULBS
All the old lightbulbs in all the tunnels will be replaced on Thursday after the system closes for maintenance at 2 a.m. Things should be brighter. There will be no disruption of service.

LOW RIDER NUMBERS
Compared to last year at this time, the ridership of Hamptons Subway is significantly down. And this comes at a time when business is up almost everywhere else. We don’t know why our business is off. Is it something we did? Is there a bad smell somewhere? Was it just the good weather so everybody stayed topside? Is riding the subway suddenly unfashionable? If you have any ideas, suggestions or you think you know why this is, please write to us at whatdidwedo?@hamptonsubway.com. This is an email address we set up for this purpose.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The Board of Directors of Hamptons Subway announced this past Tuesday that we will now accept offers for the sale of the old abandoned tunnel we dug two years ago under Long Island Sound to connect Sag Harbor with Foxwoods in Connecticut. It didn’t work out and we were to blame for building it, so we will sell it cheap. But keep in mind that the tunnel is sealed at both ends and is currently flooded from leaks, so, you know, buyer beware. All offers considered.

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