The Hamptons Subway Newsletter: September 20–26, 2013

Week of September 20–26, 2013
Riders this past week: 8,501
Rider miles this past week: 85,010

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jerry Seinfeld was seen traveling between the Amagansett and the new Further Lane stop on Tuesday, telling jokes to strangers. Also seen on the subway at that time were Martha Stewart and Mort Zuckerman, who had boarded at the new Lily Pond stop and said they were headed to a party on Further Lane. Vladimir Putin was seen on the subway between Westhampton Beach and Quiogue.

WORLD LEADERS TAKE NOTE
Hamptons Subway is offering a new service venue for international negotiations, beginning January 1. As needed, Hamptons Subway will provide a private subway car for world leaders who wish to hold meetings any night of the week between 2 and 5 a.m. when the subway is closed for maintenance. The subway car, known as The Internationale, is being fitted out in the Montauk Yards. We’ve had inquiries from diplomats from Israel and the Palestinian Authority, also from Syria and England. Aboard this car, which will take full, slow circuits of the system, full translation services are available, also easy chairs, secretarial help, video teleconferencing, soft music and a full bar. The sound of the subway car squealing along the tracks masks any attempt to breach diplomatic privacy, the sight of maintenance workers laboring away in the subway tunnels scrubbing walls and picking up trash is a reminder of who these important people are working for—the workers—and this particular time, 2 to 5 a.m., is the best time, given time zones and jet lag, for diplomats from Europe and Asia to be at their best. Any country interested should contact Harold Von Pinterhoff, our new Hamptons Subway International Relations Coordinator.

A HORSE LOOSE
Several people report seeing a lone thoroughbred horse in the tunnels between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor, munching grass alongside the tracks or trotting along the tracks with his head held majestically high. He seems happy. Officials at the Hampton Classic Horse Show, now over, say all horses have been accounted for. Whose can this be?

MONTAUK SEAFOOD FEST CELEBRATED
The Subway restaurant chain, which has kiosks for their food on all our platforms, will offer clam chowder tastings to coordinate with the festival in Montauk this weekend. Free samples from the 32 bars and restaurants in Montauk will be enjoyed by subway customers free of charge in exchange for their marking a score on a ballot form. The ballots will then sent out to the organizers of the Seafood Festival.

MISS HAMPTONS SUBWAY MAKES THE ROUNDS
Laura Brenderson of Hampton Bays, 23, winner of this year’s Miss Hamptons Subway contest, will hold court between 10 a.m. and noon on the Southampton platform on Tuesday signing her name on glossy photographs of her highness.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Extra special maintenance was performed on the Hamptons Subway during the night hours this past week. Workmen patched leaks found in the walls and ceilings of the tunnels that had caused flooding that slowed the subway rides to 15 miles an hour on certain days this summer. The annual greasing of the tracks was done to lower the volume of the screeching around the turns and all the platforms were scraped down and repainted in a variety of colors, each one a different color, as per the winning entries of the contest we ran all summer asking riders to choose the colors for their station. It was a good job, on budget and on time, a rarity these days.

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