Hamptons Police Blotter: Soccer, Protest, McGumbus’ Halloween Howitzer

Soccer Fight
With good sportsmanship apparently going the way of the dodo, the September 19 Hampton Bays Baymen and Southampton Mariners soccer game was abruptly ended, with 18 seconds left, when the players began a brawl. The Mariners were ahead 2–1, and when a Southampton player fouled a Hampton Bays player midfield, things escalated. The two players began to wrestle, prompting their teammates to rush towards midfield to join the fray. The referees and coaches broke it up, but the game was left unfinished. Now look, boys: It’s only a game, and a college scholarship, and the esteem of your classmates and the obsession of large numbers of otherwise intelligent adults. Relax!

Sag Harbor Protest Grabs Headlines Nowhere
Three older women protested across from the Sag Harbor Post Office last week, advocating for the impeachment of President Obama. The elderly women were greeted by overwhelming disinterest on the part of the populace, as hundreds of drivers didn’t slow down to wave and vast numbers of people passed by without a glance in their direction. Police were called in, not to control the nonexistent crowds but to remind the protesters to remain on the small island of public property bordering the 7-Eleven lot—this wasn’t hard for them, given their small numbers. What’s unremarkable is how the protest has left nary a trace in the public imagination. Nor is it surprising how little impact it has had, even among the few who bothered to pay attention.

Westhampton: Not What It Seems
Police arrested a Westhampton man for allegedly pointing a gun at his housemate. It seems the two men were arguing over money, and the culprit pulled out what looked to be a revolver. Only it wasn’t a revolver, but a pellet gun, and the two weren’t arguing over real money, but rather Monopoly money, and how much the rent on Marvin Gardens is if you have two hotels built on it. Finally, it was determined that the housemate wasn’t a man, but an inflatable doll, at which point the police decided to bring the offender down to headquarters to straighten things out. It wasn’t until they got to headquarters that they discovered that their perp was in fact a jack o’ straw, hung out as an early Halloween decoration.

McGumbus Gearing Up
Shelter Islanders are expressing anxiety to police over Old Man McGumbus’ plans for his Halloween Haunted Howitzer, an annual tradition during which McGumbus, 103 and a WWII artillery commander, randomly fires at trick-or-treaters. “I’m just celebrating my rights, “claims McGumbus, “Ain’t this America?”

Read more Hamptons Police Blotter and get exclusive Old Man McGumbus updates here.

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