Sheltered Islander: I’s on the Island, Monitoring Your Every Move

“Where’s your ferry ticket, Margie? The guy is coming.”

“Joy, we’ve had a few changes here in recent months. Everything’s getting computerized. Just lean your head out the window and follow instructions.”

“What?”

“Ma’am, please look into the camera on my iPhone. Our new app processes tickets, counts customers and runs a breathalyzer test all at once. Okay, got your picture, please breathe into the usb port for your alcohol level and lick the screen so we have a DNA sample.”

“I haven’t been drinking. You don’t need my DNA, I’m just a passenger in a car.”

“Lots of people say that. They ride in the passenger seat to avoid detection. You might intend to drive on the Island tonight. This way we can monitor you while you’re here to help you avoid the temptation of driving under the influence.”

“How?”

“Community people. I download your DNA into our ‘I’s On You’ app so everyone can ID you. Don’t you agree that drunk driving is wrong?”

“Of course, but I have not had anything to drink today.”

“But you might. The day’s not over yet.”’

“FINE! But I’m still not breathing or licking anything.”

“I wish you didn’t feel that way, but have a nice day.”

“Margie, what the hell is going on here?”

“You’ll see. IGA next, let’s get some cheesecake therapy going. You’ll have to buy it, I’m not allowed.”

“Not allowed?”

“Not allowed. ‘I’s On You’ app says I’m too short for my weight. I either have to grow five inches or lose 35 pounds. Until then I can’t have any carbs. But you’re thin enough to buy cheesecake, and I can get us wine.”

“So can I.”

“I bet not. Pull into the liquor store now, we’ll go in and you try to buy some wine.”

“You’re Margie’s friend, right? The drunk in denial? ‘I’s On You’ says you declined your Breathayzer test and wouldn’t give a DNA sample. It looks kind of suspicious, you know…”

“Two bottles of Zinfandel, please.”

“But what if something happens and you hurt somebody? ‘I’s On You’ will show I sold you the liquor. I don’t want to be responsible. How about Margie? Let her buy it. She always passes her test.”

“Good idea, I’ll buy it and ‘I’s On You’ will never know.”

“Thanks for understanding. Here you go.”

“See what I mean, Joy? ‘I’s On You’ was supposed to help us know where our kids were at all times, but the app has grown. I usually shop with Marybeth because she’s thin and can buy carbs and I have low cholesterol so I can buy steaks for her. Grab a cart. Okay, this is the carb aisle. You have to step on this floor sensor and wait for your readout right there on your left. Only you and the checker can see it.”

“How long do I stand here? Nevermind, I see the readout.”

“What’s it say?”

“Says I am 5’ 8”, 121 pounds. I am underweight by six pounds. I am authorized to purchase three carb items.”

“Excellent. Get two cheesecakes and one bag of chips.”

“You pick out the cheesecakes.”

“Can’t. If I step over the scanner, the alarm will go off.”

”Can we get some ice cream?”

“No, nobody qualifies for that any more. I’ll get the rest of the things on my list, you finish yours and remember not to get in the same line as me.”

“Why not? Let me guess, they’ll suspect I’m buying carbs for you?”

“Yes, they will.”

“So what? Doesn’t that qualify as harassment or something?”

“No, because there’s an absence of malice and no real damages. Believe me, I have tried. But it’s all done for your own good, so popular opinion is against you.”

“And no good deed goes unpunished….”

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