Sheltered Islander: My Blinged Out Minivan

Of all the convenient items that have ever been put into a car to increase sales, finally someone came up with the singular device that will put sales through the roof—an on-board vacuum cleaner installation. I predict this will be the greatest thing since sliced bread. In no time, it will become standard in all minivans.

As long as they are now giving us vacuums, I have several other requests:

1. A makeup and jewelry carrier in the dashboard.

2. Cup-holders that can keep drinks hot or cold.

3. An on-board breathalyzer next to the cigarette lighter. If you are above the legal limit, the on-screen display will tell you how long to wait until you’re sober enough to drive again.

4. A ferry ticket holder on the dash. Other people can use it for receipts or notes or things like that, but everyone here needs it for ferry tickets. Every Islander has desperately searched their car for that damn ticket at least once. Nothing makes an Islander panic more than realizing that you can’t find your ticket, you don’t have enough cash on you, and you’re already in line at the dock.

5. A little container built into the steering wheel. This is to hold Valium and other drugs of choice that you will need when the ferry is pulling into the dock and you still can’t find that ticket. When it happened to me, I offered to let them keep my children as hostages until I went home and came back with the money, but they declined my offer. I even offered to pay extra to keep them for a few extra hours, but they still didn’t want an eight-year-old and a six-year-old.

6. My mother constantly forgets to bring her diabetic test kit and insulin with her. How about a hole in the dash where you stick your finger in, and your blood sugar appears on a screen display? If your blood sugar’s too high, it shoots an insulin dart into your neck. If it’s too low, the GPS drops down to reveal a fruit cannon that shoots an orange at you. If they could put a man on the moon, they could build an on-board fruit shooter.

7. A pen-holder that not only holds pens, but also somehow locates them anywhere in the car and pulls them towards the dash. Cars eat pens like dryers eat socks, along with receipts, favorite CDs, and that $20 you’ve been looking for forever.

8. How about a mother’s helper? A big gloved hand, like the Hamburger Helper guy, set into the driver’s head rest. In the event of a two-year-old kicking the back of your seat, it pops out and smacks the offending child right across the face. Some may call it child abuse, but I would call it self-defense.

9. For Islanders—or any East Ender for that matter—a sand-sucker. A super-turbo attachment for the on-board vacuum that can seek and suck out any deep sand, no matter how fine.

10. Febreeze built into the ventilation system. For dirty diapers, clam and fish smell, and drunk relatives being picked up from the Dory or Sunset Hotel.

Truly, we are all blessed to be living in an age of unprecedented technological achievements, and I look forward to the next brave step into the future.

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