The Hamptons Subway Newsletter: October 11–17, 2013

Week of October 11–17, 2013
Riders this past week: 8,512
Rider miles this past week: 78,078

DOWN IN THE TUBE
The celebrity spotters who ride the subway every day looking for the rich and famous reported a massive number of sightings on Wednesday, the day before the start of the Hamptons International Film Festival. Seen on the Hamptons Subway were film stars Alec Baldwin, Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Adam Sandler, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Ben Stiller, Sacha Baron Cohen, Johnny Depp, Gary Cooper, Eroll Flynn, Sammy Davis Jr. and Will Smith. It’s going to be quite a weekend.

WE DO OUR PART
Each of the subway platforms has been decked out with film star posters and popcorn machines (free popcorn!) for our treasured subway riders this weekend. Also, when a train comes to a halt at a platform and the subway doors slide open, bright spotlights on the platform ceilings will turn on illuminate the way. Our token booth operators will be dressed in 1930s bellhop outfits. Service will be with a smile. Enjoy.

ONE-HOUR DELAY IN AMAGANSETT
Hamptons Subway regrets the one-hour delay in the tunnel just east of the Amagansett station last Tuesday beginning at 2 p.m. An alert rider saw a suitcase alongside the tracks there and, having read the sign reading “see something say something,” called the authorities, who came and removed it. It contained numerous and elaborate instructions on how to make the best everything pizza.

BORING MACHINE FOUND
Last week we reported that one of the two tunnel-boring machines owned by Hamptons Subway had gone missing. It was last seen in the tunnel just to the east of the Noyac platform at 2 a.m. on Wednesday, at which time witnesses heard the sound of an engine starting up, and then the big tunnel boring machine was gone, leaving behind a big hole in the tunnel wall. Well, the subway boring machine turned up on Sunday at 5 p.m. in the lot behind the Harbor Heights gas station in Sag Harbor by bursting up out of the ground. Nobody was in the driver’s seat when it emerged, but when people ran over, it coughed and died, as it turned out, because it ran out of gas. Workmen with high test, and has sent Hamptons Subway the bill, but so far the boring machine has not yet sprung back to life.

STEP LIVELY
Subway riders throughout the system are asked to step lively this weekend when boarding or exiting the subway cars at all stations. Because of the influx of people on this the big weekend, Hamptons Subway management is worried that stopping in the stations might take longer than usual, resulting in the whole system running late. So please do your part. Just three quick steps where you might have otherwise have taken two.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Mayor Addington has asked that I be out of town over this upcoming busy weekend. There are two reasons. One is my health. I tend to get all worked up and stressed out on big weekends such as Columbus Day and Film Festival Weekend and I turn beet red and it looks like a heart attack. The second is everybody else’s health. Because of my terrible temper, it’s feared subway riders, particularly the movie stars, might be driven away, and this is not something that we want at all. I will be in Charlottesville, West Virginia if you need me.

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