Hamptons Police Blotter: McGumbus Goes to Court, Exploding Roosters

McGumbus Vs. Bisquick
Shelter Island was transfixed this week by the trial of Susie McBisquick, 85, who stands accused of stalking and harassing her ex-husband, 103-year-old WWII veteran Old Man McGumbus. McGumbus took the stand to explain that, while he and his ex-wife have an on-again off-again arrangement for “fulfilling mutual needs,” that doesn’t mean that she should trespass on his property and interfere in his “other romantic adventures.”

McGumbus was brushing away tears as he described how McBisquick “scared off” his younger “lady friends” and made off with his dentures out of “sheer spite.” Police were called into the courtroom to control McBisquick, who repeatedly disrupted proceedings with mocking laughter and inappropriate gestures, and who at one point launched into an extended exegesis of a particular part of McGumbus’ anatomy—which was ruled irrelevant to the proceedings.

Flying Feathers
A Sag Harbor man was pulled over for a burned-out taillight and found to be in possession of quantities of dynamite. He explained to officers that he had just come from a friend’s farm in Amagansett, where he had been trying to detonate a rooster. This is apparently a hobby for the man. “It’s not as easy as you might think,” explained the man to the curious police officer. “You’d be kidding yourself if you think the rooster would just sit still and allow you to put a burning stick of dynamite under him.” While the officer was impressed by the rooster-detonating skills professed by the man, he still felt obliged to place him under arrest for possession of explosives.

This Much Fun Should Be Illegal
The Suffolk Theater in Riverhead was determined to be the site of the mass jubilation reported on Friday, November 15. First, there was the 2013 Dan’s Papers Best Of The Best Party, which was just as wild as you might have expected—Suzy on the Rocks fired up the dance floor for 400 guests. As if that weren’t enough, there followed the concert featuring Nancy Atlas and Gene Casey and nearly 600 fans, at which point Riverhead officials, usually committed to making sure Riverhead stays quiet, declared a special pardon to all involved.

Copper Whopper
East End authorities are flummoxed over who’s behind the recent rash of copper car thefts. Thieves have lifted pipes and details from nine vintage autos so far. Chief Douglass says, “We don’t know how the thieves are bypassing alarm systems and we probably won’t know the extent of the crime spree until the spring, when vintage cars come out of storage.

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