Hamptons Police Blotter: McGumbus Opens Casino, Dan’s Best Groupies

Vega$ On The Peconic
Immediately after New York’s voters approved a resolution allowing for an expansion of casino gambling in New York State last Tuesday, Shelter Island’s Old Man McGumbus sprang into action. Wednesday morning at 7:15, McGumbus, 103, WWII veteran statistical analyst, erected a garish sign on his front lawn advertising slot machines, poker and high-stakes cribbage. By 11:45 a.m., the front yard was full of cars, with hundreds more parked illegally on the streets and a traffic jam across the expanse of Shelter Island. Motorists reported wait times of up to two hours to get on the North Ferry from Greenport, and police were called in to set up detours. Then, at 3:15 p.m., machine gun fire was heard coming from inside the casino, and a heavy-set, cigar-chomping man emerged to announce, in a hastily arranged press conference, that McGumbus had agreed to sell the casino to a company that also runs a cement-mixing concern in Jersey City.Around dinnertime, however, two executives from a major entertainment conglomerate, who arrived by helicopter, had secured ownership of the casino and began construction of a replica of the Big Duck in McGumbus’s  side yard.

This Is Why There Are Taxis
An East Quogue man was, according to reports, driving drunk early Tuesday morning when he missed a curve and plowed into two utility poles, breaking the poles, totaling his car and knocking out power to several hundred homes in East Quogue. It’s only because we live in a time when cars and utility poles have been engineered to reduce collision impacts that the man was not physically injured. Financial injury may be another story. Let’s add it up: two utility poles, totaled car, insurance rate hike, plus whatever fines and legal fees that might follow.

Best Of The Best Groupies Cause Stir
Riverhead town officials became alarmed over the last few days as large numbers of people appeared in downtown Riverhead and began camping out in a long line leading to the Suffolk Theater entrance. The unexpected visitors pitched tents, started campfires, roasted marshmallows and sang along to their favorite Nancy Atlas songs. Asked what they were up to, the typical response was “Why, we’re waiting in line to get into the 2013 Dan’s The Best Concert at the historic Suffolk Theater, featuring the Nancy Atlas Project and Gene Casey and the Lone Sharks.” When it was pointed out that anyone could have gotten tickets to the event by going to DansPapers.com, the crowd uttered a collective “Whuh?” then said, “Ohhh,” before packing up and slowly dispersing.

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