The Hamptons Subway Newsletter: November 15–21, 2013

Week of November 15–21, 2013
Riders this past week: 8,549
Rider miles this past week: 87,911

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Here’s something funny. There was a woman at the Westhampton Beach token booth all upset because there were only eastbound trains to Montauk and no westbound trains to New York from there. She’d been told differently. She wanted her money back, even though she hadn’t gone through the turnstiles. Can you believe some of these people? Take the Jitney, hon.

NEW UNIFORMS
The new tailored uniforms designed by the sensational Italian designer Paolo LaPopo have arrived. They are to be used by the Subway Police Force. They are all black, with tight-fitting trousers and silk cut cuffs on the shirts. They look beautiful, very fitting for a Hamptons police force. For weapons, they’ve done away with the old semi-automatic machine guns the police used to carry. Now they all get to use a small Derringer pistol strapped to their calves under their trousers. These pistols are fitted to fire only one round. Trouble on the subway almost always involves just one person. Why have more than one bullet? The uniforms are the same for both men and women, except on the rakishly styled brimmed cap, where there is pink piping for the women and blue piping for the men, a throwback to the days when the different sexes mattered.

ASPINALL THE WINNER
The election for a new Subway Commissioner took place last Tuesday. Running again for an unprecedented 16th two-year term was our beloved current subway commissioner, Bill Aspinall. His campaign slogan, as it has been in prior elections, was “Budget Be Damned,” a catchall meaning the big budget deficits year after year would continue because the customers require the best: new subway cars every three years, marble walls and floors at the platforms, great chandeliers lighting the ceilings, all sorts of safety features, etc., etc. Opposing him was Agnes Gretch who ran a campaign demanding there be big expense cuts, fewer services, limited air conditioning in the summer, reduced platform cleaning operations and a balanced budget. She lost.

TURKEY GIVEAWAY A BIG SUCCESS
Yesterday, the big 25-pound frozen turkey giveaway took place just inside all the turnstiles at all the subway stations. Though the straphangers knew they were getting them if they liked it or not, some of them set the turkeys down on the platforms (they were wrapped in plastic) when they got onto the trains, which might or might have been some sort of protest. Who knows? In any case, we’ve given all those extra turkeys to the food pantries throughout Suffolk County.

SLIPPER RETURNED
The woman who lost her beautiful bright red sparkly slipper with the diamond tip as she stepped through the sliding doors to the subway on the Southampton platform last Monday at midnight, returned this past Thursday to the lost and found at our office building in Hampton Bays to claim it. Her name is Cinderella and she was shabbily dressed and in need of a bath, but the woman properly identified both herself and the slipper, which fit, so who were we to argue?

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I want to thank my campaign manager and my wife and all who voted for me and also the Suffolk County Election Board which monitored my re-election last Tuesday while glossing over all the irregularities.

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