Breaking News: It’s Official, Sharpshooters Coming to Hamptons, Fate of Lions and Deer Discussed

Hamptons Mayor James Hamilton held a news conference at town hall this afternoon to announce that the Hamptons has now officially voted to fund federal sharpshooters who will come out in February to cull the deer herd.

“The federal sharpshooters will kill 3,000 deer and rid this community of much of the deer menace. The sharpshooters will have infrared goggles, laser sights, white helmets and high-powered rifles with silencers. They will work at night from trees, dropping down corn for bait and then killing with a single shot to cause the least amount of suffering.    In the meantime, until then, just be patient and drive slow. We want no more car accidents. We want no more of these creatures eating up our gardens and vegetables. We want no more deer-borne disease in this community.”

A heckler in the back row at the press conference said that deer had rights, and that the community should try again to dart the deer with that chemical that renders them sterile, as was attempted two years ago.

“Whoever you are, you will recall that we had to abandon that attempt when two local citizens were shot in the butt with those darts. I will not now, as I did not then, name them to protect their privacy, but one of these men has seven children, and you might argue that was enough children for him, but the other fellow shot has never had any children and now never will. We mourn for the lack of this person’s future unborn children. That is why we called off the sterilization darting program back then. We will not do this again.”

Another man asked about the 26 lions that wealthy South African citizen Mr. Hans Van der Klerk has flown into his Bridgehampton estate that he intends to release on Monday to eat up all the deer.

“If the lions eat all the deer, isn’t that going to make the sharpshooters in February redundant?” this man asked.

“We’re taking things one day at a time,” the Mayor says. “We have great respect for this man and the money he has made in the factory business. Now I have to say we are in charge of the public sector.  His lions are a private matter and we respect the privacy of private enterprise. And there are no laws against South African lions. They may roam freely through the community. I will say this, however, and that is our police department is standing by if any of his lions cause any injuries or deaths to humans. So are our paramedic crews. Just remember, if you see a lion, make no quick movements or threatening noises, show your peaceful intentions by only looking at the ground, not into the lion’s eyes, and just slowly try to creep away backwards. Then with your cell phone, dial 911. But don’t let the lion see you do it.

“As for your question about what if there are no deer at that time, in any case, the sharpshooters are coming in February. We have now funded this operation. If they can’t find anything to shoot, well, then, they won’t.”

BACK TO The Scoop