Hamptons Police Blotter: 400 Grams of Cocaine, McGumbus, Turkey Mob

Coming Home To Roost
It’s a Thanksgiving mystery. Police say it appears that Doris McMathers of Remsenburg was just getting the cooked turkey out of the oven on Thanksgiving Day when she happened to notice her backyard was completely covered with turkeys. She called animal control. Describing what she saw to the officer, she said what was even more alarming was the wild birds, rather than moving around and pecking at the ground, were standing stock still and staring at her. When a patrol car arrived, the officers found her home unoccupied. A complete Thanksgiving meal sat untouched on the dining room table. Pretty creepy, right?

Didn’t Get The Memo
A textbook illustration of the ineffectiveness of the “War on Drugs.” After a nine-month investigation, police arrested a Flanders man for possession of 400 grams of cocaine, plus a little heroin and various drug paraphernalia. The man is now being held without bail at Suffolk County Jail. This may sound like a great success in removing a drug dealer from our midst, but the thing is, this guy has been to jail many times. His most recent parole period ended in April. After major expenditures of time and money, on top of what has already been spent on the investigation, he will be given another prison sentence—by now a familiar routine, which has thus far seemingly failed to prevent him from dealing drugs.

Off The Air
Many questioned the wisdom of hiring Old Man McGumbus as an on-air host for the new Shelter Island Cable Network, predicting that the notoriously feisty and mercurial 102-year-old WWII vet would sink the fledgling cable venture in scandal. No sooner had McGumbus’ 6 a.m. program Good Morning, Hairleggers debuted than the predictions came true with a vengeance. It seems McGumbus was “taking the air” with his ex-wife Suzy McBisquick (with whom he recently reconciled) on Ram’s Head when he mistook a passing bird watcher for a paparazzo taking pictures of his “intimate moment” with the 85-year-old McBisquick. McGumbus flew into a rage, broke his bottle of fortified wine on a boulder and chased after the confused birder, brandishing the broken bottle. Police were summoned to subdue the enraged McGumbus. Within hours, Good Morning, Hairleggers’ sole sponsor, Duke’s Denture Glue, had announced it was withdrawing support for the show.

Lock Up Your Liquor
It’s an ongoing theme in the Hamptons: A homeless man in East Hampton has been arrested and accused of stealing—you guessed it—liquor from a private home. Seems like someone could make good money selling safes to keep your booze.

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