Hamptons Police Blotter: Moby Dick? McGumbus? McBisquick?

IN THE BAG?
In the 19th century, during the whaling era, Sag Harbor was the most lawless part of the South Fork, and now it seems those times are back. What else are Sag Harborites to think when they spent the summer fending off burglars intent on taking their jewelry and their St. Pauli Girl beer? Now, in what could pass for a scene out of a dime-store crime novel, two unknown assailants, one male, one female, entered a high-end consignment shop on Sag Harbor’s Main Street and robbed it at GUNPOINT, TYING UP the employee and shutting said employee in a storage closet. Then they stole numerous items from the store, known for its expensive Chanel and Hermès handbags, and left the premises, after which the employee was able to escape and call for help.

MOBY DICK?
Reports of a submerged white whale off Long Wharf in Sag Harbor were greatly exaggerated. When “the whale” remained stationary for more than a day, divers from the local aquarium went in to investigate. It turned out to be a lost white plastic yacht wrapper.

CANNOT TELL A LIE?
A planned reenactment of President George Washington’s visit to the Montauk Lighthouse to coincide with its annual lighting has been cancelled. The lighting will happen, but when organizers of the proposed reenactment applied for the necessary permits, they were told: Washington never visited Montauk!

MCBISQUICK RISES
In an incident that could have profound implications in the ongoing civil dispute between Old Man McGumbus and his ex-wife Suzy McBisquick (as detailed in the Hamptons Police Blotter of November 22), police were called this week to the home of McBisquick to investigate the source of lewd and suggestive phone calls the 83-year-old McBisquick claimed to be receiving. It turned out that the calls, which featured heavy breathing, ribald remarks and detailed references to an incident involving McGumbus and McBisquick in the backseat of a Studebaker in 1947, were coming from none other than Old Man McGumbus himself. The WWII veteran, 103, was in fact soon discovered in his 1946 Studebaker Commander parked around the corner from McBisquick’s house—a cell phone and a pair of binoculars in his lap. “I was just bird watchin’, sonny,” claimed McGumbus to the officer who found him, before breaking into a ragged version of the song “Bird Dog” while attempting to shake his hips. Whether McGumbus’s lawyer plans to continue to press McGumbus’s stalking charges against McBisquick remained unknown at press time.

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