Hamptons Subway Newsletter: November 29–December 5, 2013

Week of November 29–December 5, 2013
Riders this past week: 8,941
Rider miles this past week: 83,565

DOWN IN THE TUBE
An enormous number of celebrities were reported on Hamptons Subway this week. It’s sort of a record and we are very proud of our volunteer spotters. Matthew Broderick was on the subway heading to Amagansett from East Hampton. Mickey Drexler was on the subway from Water Mill to Bridgehampton. Martha Stewart was seen getting on the westbound subway at the rarely used Georgica Stop. Ed Burns was seen getting on in Sag Harbor heading for East Hampton. Katie Couric was seen heading west from Montauk toward Amagansett. Billy Joel was seen in Sag Harbor on his way to Noyac for spaghetti with clam sauce. Howard Stern was seen heading westbound toward Hampton Bays from Southampton. One of our locals who uses the subway told us that if he knew there would be so many celebrities on the subway this week he’d have dressed up.

NOT TRUE
According to announcements made by famous government leaker Edward Snowden in Moscow, 1,206 American made nuclear bombs, which were supposed to have been destroyed in the disarmament agreement signed by the United States and the former Soviet Union in 1987, were not destroyed but were stockpiled in an underground storage room accessible from the subway tunnel between our Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor stops. And they are still there today. The U. S. Government denies this accusation. So does our commissioner, Bill Aspinall.

HEALTH FOR OUR EMPLOYEES
Hamptons Subway doesn’t provide health insurance for its employees. Since its founding, it has had a fully staffed doctor’s office right on the second floor of the main office on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays, available 24 hours a day. This week we shut it down with the impending arrival of Obamacare. We hope they get that straightened out soon. Meanwhile our employees are being urged to eat healthy, exercise, go up and down stairs carefully, look both ways before crossing streets and avoid close contact with those who have colds.

SUBWAY CAR TRAFFIC JAM
As always, it’s possible to look down from Fort Hill at Montauk and see the Hamptons Subway yards where the trains go for maintenance at 2 a.m. every night. This past week, there were not 36 cars but 52. One of our assistant managers had mistakenly ordered an extra 16 cars from the Toronto Subway shipped here to handle the rush of subway traffic for folks coming out from New York City over the Thanksgiving Holiday. We only go from Montauk to Westhampton. We will not name this employee, but he’s been fired, and the trains sent back to Canada. His argument that Canadians don’t celebrate Thanksgiving as we do so didn’t need the extra cards was duly noted.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
First I would like to thank all those folks who voted for me last week in the election for Commissioner, which I won again. Since I, as Commissioner, was the one who counted all the votes, I know who you people are and will remember you. As for those who voted for one of the other three candidates, I know who you are too. My philosophy has always been “live and let live.” It’s America, and I join in for the holiday spirit.

On another note, I want to thank all our subway customers. Not that there’s another subway in the Hamptons, but even so, we always strive to be the very best Hamptons Subway ever. And we hope you and yours have a nice Thanksgiving holiday dinner.

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