Amazon Drone Wars: Replacing a Christmas Gift in Bridgehampton

NEWS ITEM: Amazon has demonstrated an airborne drone that delivers purchases to your door.

NEWS ITEM: Google now has opened a division studying new developments in drones and robotics.

January 3. 9:30 a.m.
“Hello, this is Amazon’s help line. I am a computer that can understand complete sentences. May I have your name? Mine is Felicia.”

“My name is Alice.”

“How may I help you?”

“I ordered a sweatshirt for my husband for Christmas but it’s the wrong size. The delivery was fine. The drone came and set it on our front doorstep. It needs to be a large. The sweatshirt is a small.”

“I apologize for our error. Do you have the order number?”

“Yes. J427996B.”

“Thank you. We’ll take care of this right away.”

“Do you need any other information from me? Our address or anything?”

“No.”

“We’re at 423 Maple Lane, Bridgehampton, New York.”

“I already have all the information from the order number, thank you. Name. Address. Credit cards. Medical history. Just leave the box with the small sweatshirt in it out front of your house on the doorstep. It will be picked up within the hour. And the drone will leave the proper one. And again, I apologize for your inconvenience.”

“There’s no hurry. It’s after Christmas now.”

“Once again, we apologize. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

January 3. 11 a.m.
“Hello, this is Amazon’s help line. I am a computer that can understand complete sentences. May I have your name? Mine is Felicia.”

“My name is Alice.”

“How may I help you?”

“This is in reference to your order number J427996B.”

“Thank you. I have all the information in front of me. Do you have the right size sweatshirt now?”

“We heard the drone land on our front doormat around 10:30 and we went out just moments after he left, but there was no package in sight. It did take the box with the wrong size. But then, coming back in, we saw that the fire in our fireplace had flared up. It was a much bigger fire. We got the extinguisher, put the fire out, and we found the problem. Apparently, your drone dropped the replacement package down our chimney.”

“I apologize for that. But you got the merchandise? It was all right?”

“It’s mostly burned. We need a new one.”

“I apologize for that. Are you saying the merchandise was defective?”

“No.”

“Then what are you saying? I am a computer that can understand complete sentences.”

“It was good merchandise, but then it was burned up and became defective while being delivered.”

“So this was a ‘damage during delivery’ case.”

“Yes.”

“Take down this new number: K420223K.”

“I have it.”

“Leave the damaged goods in the box it came in on your front doormat and we will deliver a replacement for your damaged goods by 1 p.m.”

“The box is all burned up.”

“What? I am a computer that can understand complete sentences.”

“Never mind. I will leave it on the front doormat.”

“Once again, we apologize. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

January 3. 1 p.m.
“Hello, this is Amazon’s help line. I am a computer that can understand complete sentences. May I have your name? Mine is Felicia.”

“Felicia, we have a big problem here.”

“May I have your name? Mine is Felicia.”

“This is in reference to K420223K.”

“May I have your name? Mine is Felicia.”

“Alice. Felicia, listen. We heard the drone come. We went out front. The new package was there. But then another drone came, and when we tried to pick it up, it fired a laser at us. It hit our landscaping, a bush, and set it on fire. We ran back in and slammed the door.”

“Could you please speak more clearly? I am a computer who understands complete sentences.”

“Felicia. It set a bush on fire.”

“If you have a fire, you should put it out.”

“We did. We got an extinguisher and ran back out and put it out. Then we ran back in and called you.”

“I apologize for this inconvenience. So you have the package?”

“No. It’s still out there.”

“Is there a reason you are calling me? I am a computer that can answer complete sentences.”

“Wait.”

(Silence).

“The package is gone.”

“You say the package is gone?”

“Yes. It was there before. It’s been stolen.”

“This is a ‘merchandise stolen’ case. I apologize for that. Please take this new order number: X41252K. Another package will be out on your doormat in front of your
house by 3 p.m.”

“Do you want to know about the other drone? It was blue. Yours are yellow.”

“Once again I apologize. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

January 3. 3 p.m.
“Hello, this is Amazon’s help line. I am a computer that can understand complete sentences. May I have your name? Mine is Felicia.”

“Alice. X41252K. It’s three o’clock. We can’t go out front.”

“I apologize for that. My records show that your replacement product X41252K was delivered.”

“It’s out there. We can see it out the window. But there’s a shooting war going on out there. There’s yellow and blue drones shooting at one another up in the sky. It’s terrible.”

“Blue drones. I apologize for that. There are blue drones from Google in your sector. They are unauthorized. Dial 911.”

“I already did that, just before I called you.”

“I apologize for this inconvenience. The situation will be taken care of shortly. We are having difficulty…stay in your homes.”
(Sounds of explosions over the telephone).

“Hello, Felicia? Are you there?”

“I am a computer that understands complete…”

“Felicia?”

“Once again, I apologize. Stay in your homes. The situation will be taken care of shortly. May I have your name? Mine is Felicia.”

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