Hamptons Police Blotter: Snowplow Wars, Trolls, McGumbus Whiskey

Snowplow Dust Up
A local snow plow driver, known as “Plow King” by customers, was trapped in a small avalanche following Thurday evening’s blizzard. Police at the scene said Plow King’s competition, and the Hamptons’ first snow plow celebrity, “Mr. Plow” may have sent his rival to an area of unsteady ground near the Montauk bluffs, causing the avalanche. Fortunately, Mr. Plow was first on the scene and helped free the other snowplow driver from his trapped vehicle. One witness, Matthew Groening, said the two drivers “hugged it out” and have since resolved to work together after future storms.

Trolls Run Wild!
Police say several trolls were reported in the Hamptons this week. The wily creatures launched an information campaign, attempting to poke holes in otherwise rock solid and totally factual news stories about a South African industrialist who brought 26 lions from his home country to cull the overpopulated deer in the Hamptons. The authorities have recruited help from several of the East End’s most charming princes and they are searching under bridges throughout the North and South Forks.

McGumbus Whiskey Fail
Shelter Island repeat offender and 104-year-old former World War II demolitions expert Old Man McGumbus was arrested for drunk and disorderly on New Year’s Eve. McGumbus was hosting a release party for “Old Man Rye,” a new brand of whiskey based on the veteran’s “take no guff and no prisoners” lifestyle, on Shelter Island, but things went awry, police said. “The old man went nuts,” one witness said, recalling that McGumbus was already into his second fifth of Old Man Rye and “in a good stupor” when he began throwing plates and yelling expletives at the assorted guests, including several high ranking members of the Royal Order of Tuna and two Mussel Musketeers. “You want McGumbus, you got him!” the old man screamed. “This is the lifestyle, this is the McGumbus–now bask in it, hippies!” he said before police finally restrained him. Old Man Rye has been recalled for rebranding.

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Old Man Rye survives the carnage

Old Man Rye survives the carnage

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