Hamptons Police Blotter: Tick Fans Protest Deer Cull, Nancy Atlas

Tick Lovers Protest Deer Cull
Town officials have not been surprised to receive numerous irate letters and phone calls, including several that threatened violence, protesting the proposed plan to cull the local deer population. More surprising has been the vociferous outcry from tick lovers. A shadowy organization, calling itself Ticks In Crisis (TIC), has now claimed responsibility for sending threats to local officials, warning them not to take away the “life-sustaining tick nourishment” represented by the deer. An anonymous audiotape sent to a town board member explained that every deer provides food and shelter for thousands of ticks—and that killing a deer that provides such sustenance will not only mean certain death for the ticks on that particular deer but also disrupt the ticks’ abilities to reproduce. “The death of those gentle ticks will be on your head,” warned the voice on the tape. Police are investigating.

Happy Birthday, Old Man McGumbus!
Residents of Shelter Island had a harrowing weekend, as without warning the entire island went into lockdown. Information has been slowly trickling out, and it is now possible to piece together what happened. On Saturday, Old Man McGumbus celebrated his birthday, an event that was anticipated and braced for by the local police. What hadn’t occurred to local officials was that McGumbus’s “homeboy” North Korean leader Kim Jong-un would be joining the festivities. Blotter readers will doubtless remember McGumbus’s numerous high-profile trips to Pyongyang to “party with his bestie Kim-Dogg.” The leader of the oppressive North Korean communist regime chose McGumbus’ birthday this past weekend to return the visit, landing a posse of 24 comrades on McGumbus’s backyard in three Mi24 helicopters. Because the North Koreans came brandishing machine guns, a decision was made to advise residents of Shelter Island to “shelter in place.” It is reported that the “Dear Leader” delivered a rather tuneless rendition of “Happy Birthday” to McGumbus, who was overcome with emotion, or cognac, or a combination of the two.

Keyboard Player Too Funky
During a routine check on Bay Street Theatre during Nancy Atlas’s most recent “Fireside Session,” police determined that keyboard player Danny Kean was “excessively funky.” Noting that, as a result of Mr. Kean’s “making it so funky,” the large audience at Bay Street had commenced to “getting down without shame,” the police were prepared to issue a ticket when their own booties began to shake and they were forced to “give up the funk.”

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