Crafting Snowball Laws that Make Sense in Southampton

All through the months of December and January, I have witnessed in my neighborhood an alarming number of snowball-related injuries. Vowing to do something about this, I was disappointed to find that no meaningful snowball laws are on the books in Southampton or other municipalities on the East End.

We are all aware that snowball throwing can lead to serious injury if not death. So, if the Town of Southampton is not going to do anything about it, I will spearhead the effort. And I think we can pass snowball legislation in a reasonable way that will still permit winter fun and snowball-related activity for all.

I propose the following:

1. No snowball may be crafted that exceeds the size of 2 inches in diameter. Every inch beyond a snowball’s legal limit will incur a $100 fine. This is similar to speeding tickets where the more you exceed the speed limit, the higher the fine. A snowball exceeding 5 inches in diameter will result in a 5-year suspension from participating in any snowball-related activity.

2. When throwing a snowball, no participant will be allowed to bring the throwing arm to a position where the arm passes behind the ear of the thrower. This is also referred to as the “cocking motion.”

3. At no point will a snowball be tossed, heaved, thrown or projected at a speed greater than 38 miles per hour. Southampton Police will be fitted with Radar Guns capable of recording snowball speeds up to 100 miles per hour.

4. Anyone clocked throwing a snowball in excess of 90 mph will immediately be remanded to the custody of the New York Yankees Pitching Staff.

5. Any person caught with a snowball on their person within 100 feet of a church, school or place of assembly, shall be imprisoned for no less than 1 day and no more than 30 days.

6. Any person that throws a snowball, as permitted by size and speed, may not throw the ball above the waistline of the target person.

7. No one may throw a snowball at another person unless that person is wearing UL-approved safety goggles and chest protection equipment.

8. Any person caught storing snowball material in their home freezers after March 21, and before the first snow of the following winter, will be subject to $500 fine and loss of the refrigeration device.

9. Any person caught calling in a snowball threat will be subject to imprisonment of no less that 30 days and no greater than 1 year. They will also be subject to a mandatory 100 hours of community service, shoveling snow.

10. Any person caught cyberbullying with a threat of snowball activity will receive a fine of $1,000 and be banned from using any electronic device for a period of 5 years.

11. Any snowball thrown in the direction of a passing aircraft, will be prosecuted in conjunction with federal statutes related to terrorism.

12. Under no circumstances may a snowball be thrown in the general direction of any native or non-native wildlife within the borders of Southampton. If a snowball thrower is attacked by an animal and is using the snowball as a form of protection, an exemption will be allowed, but only after the thrower has properly warned the animal.

13. At no time will snowballs be allowed to be constructed of snow, ice or a combination thereof, that exceeds a density as established in the Southampton Permissible Snowball Density Chart.

These sensible mandates should insure that the residents of Southampton can still enjoy the snow, but will be protected at the same time. Obviously, we will need to designate neighborhood snowball watch houses within the community, as well as snowball safe-houses, where victims can hide in the event of an attack. Last, I suggest we set up an anonymous snowball crime reporting hotline: 1-800-SNOW-BALL should work.

Let’s see if we can get this passed before the next snowfall of the season. Lives are at stake here, people!

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