Hamptons Police Blotter: Snow Removal, Old Man McGumbus, Dogcicles

Sag Harbor Man Shovels Sidewalk
A Sag Harbor man, apparently unaware of the long-standing local custom of making no effort whatsoever to remove snow from one’s sidewalk, went out after a recent snow and began to knowingly and flagrantly clear his sidewalk. While this activity is not technically illegal, when neighbors witnessed the man’s breach of local custom they became agitated. “What if he raises the expectation that people should be able to walk on the sidewalks after it snows?” demanded a resident who had called police to report the shoveling. “It’s outrageous! Who does he think he is?” When police questioned the man, they discovered that he had just moved to Sag Harbor from New Jersey (where, for reasons unknown, citizens shovel walks), and was under the impression that he was supposed to shovel. For the sake of keeping the peace he agreed to just let the snow sit and become the dangerously slippery mess that prevails throughout the village.

McGumbus Development Scandal
The recent quiet on Shelter Island, while welcome, has raised questions as to the whereabouts of Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and real estate tycoon. It would appear that McGumbus has been in Florida, where his “Old Man McGumbus Celebrate America Funpark and Margaritaland” resort and condominium complex has run into trouble. The park, which opened to great fanfare on July 4, 2011 with an expectation of 5,000 daily visitors, has barely attracted 200 ticket-buyers on most days—mainly elderly men attracted by the discounted margaritas advertised at the Hooters franchise that operates in the center of the park. To compound problems, a federal investigation has turned up evidence that the financing for McGumbus’s oppressively patriotic theme park came mainly from North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, constituting a violation of economic sanctions against the communist regime. Federal prosecutors expect to bring charges against McGumbus within the week.

Frosty Doggie
A dog who had been misled about the existence of a “Puppy Dog Plunge” hurled himself into the frigid surf in Sag Harbor last Saturday. The dog insisted that he thought there were going to be other dogs joining him, and he stayed in the icy water waiting for “the rest of the guys.” He was rescued by the Sag Harbor Dive Team, and told police that another dog with a “cruel sense of humor” played a “sick joke” on him by telling him a “Puppy Dog Plunge” was happening. “I don’t think there even IS a puppy dog plunge,” he barked bitterly.

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