Hamptons Police Blotter: TCO, McGumbus Games, Ticks In Crisis

Keeping It Clean
When the weather gets as cold as it has been here in the Hamptons, everybody needs shelter. For a young female TCO (Traffic Control Officer) and a local law enforcement officer, who is male, shelter allegedly took the form of somebody’s home in East Hampton. Though both undoubtedly have homes of their own, the two apparently considered the aforementioned Hamptons home convenient for their purposes—purposes that as of press time remain the subject of conjecture. When the owner’s houseguests arrived and found the two in the home, engaged in whatever it was they were doing, they alerted other police. The TCO has been terminated, and the law enforcement officer has been put on paid leave.

Let The Games Begin
Residents of Shelter Island were inconvenienced by unannounced road closures this past week, as the semi-annual island-wide torch relay was enacted to usher in the 2014 Winter McGumbus Games. According to Suzy McBisquick, a spokesperson for the International McGumbus Games Committee (IMGC), the torch relay proceeded without incident, although the torch’s arrival at McGumbus Games Headquarters (aka, Old Man McGumbus’s house) was delayed for several hours when Russian torch-bearer Detlev Telyanomagumbovitch stopped at The Dory for some “liquid refreshment” and afterwards set his vodka-infused beard on fire trying to light a cigarette on the torch.

The 2014 McGumbus Winter Games will commence this Monday, with events to include high-stakes craps, a frog leg eating contest, a wet T-shirt event “for the ladies,” and bear baiting. The Hairlegger Network, the exclusive broadcast network of the Games, will broadcast all events in their entirety. The participating teams, from North Korea and Yemen, have arrived, although special guest and wet T-shirt contest judge Dennis Rodman has not been spotted yet.

Tick Lovers Take To The Streets
Carrying signs saying “We Heart Ticks” and shouting slogans like “Hey, hey, USDA, how many ticks did you kill today?,” thousands of tick lovers took to the streets last Saturday to protest the USDA’s plan to cull the local deer population. Spokesperson Claire Sloman from the organization Ticks In Crisis (TIC) brandished a bullhorn to deliver a loud, clear message: “If it were just the deer, that would be one thing. But every deer is like a city of ticks. Think of all the innocent young ticks that will die. The USDA are bad people, and this is a bad plan.” Sloman’s words stirred the crowd to such an extent that police were called to restore order.

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