Hamptons Police Blotter: Ticks In Crisis HQ Trashed, McGumbus Arrested

Pro-Tick Group Headquarters Trashed
The lobbying group Ticks In Crisis (TIC), which has recently made headlines for its activism to suspend the proposed local deer cull in order to protect the East End tick population, had its offices vandalized on Sunday evening. An organization calling itself Friends of Borrelia (FOB), apparently after the class of bacteria that’s spread by deer ticks and causes Lyme disease, claimed responsibility for the action. Later, an anonymous message left on TIC’s answering machine accused the tick activists of being parasites, saying they had received “blood money” from certain pharmaceutical concerns that produce antibiotics that “kill our Borellian brothers,” and taunting them for being “suckers” for working within the system.

Idling Car
Last Saturday, as the Center Moriches Fire Department had their annual dinner off-site, members of the East Moriches Fire Department were covering for them. Late that night, according to police, an East Moriches fire chief had come to the firehouse to check on his guys, and left his vehicle idling in the parking lot—standard industry practice to keep important supplies in a chief’s vehicle from freezing. Surveillance video reportedly showed two men enter the vehicle and drive off. After a search, authorities eventually spotted the vehicle in Rocky Point, then followed it back to the south shore, where, according to police, it stopped after careening into a snow bank.

Time Out
After angrily demanding to know “Who are these Red Hot Chili Peppers? Aren’t they just a bunch of hippies?” Old Man McGumbus, 104, WWII veteran and former stage manager for the USO, was hoping to preempt the Super Bowl halftime show with his own televised intermission entertainment this year. Called What Makes America Great, McGumbus’s halftime presentation featured him singing “God Bless America” from the turret of his Sherman tank while his own “little red hot chili pepper” Suzy McBisquick, 87, dressed in nothing but a U.S. flag, did a series of surprisingly agile gymnastic moves on the tank’s gun barrel. The program was broadcast on the Hairlegger Television Network. Unfortunately, McBisquick experienced several “wardrobe malfunctions” during her performance. As a result, the FCC has slapped the Hairlegger Network with $25 million in fines.

Not So Super
A missing persons report was filed after a large number of large men from Denver went missing in New Jersey on Sunday evening. They were supposed to show up at MetLife Stadium.

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