Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 13–19, 2014

Week of February 13–19, 2014
Riders this past week: 4,821
Rider miles this past week: 62,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Edward F. Hoff III, the winner of last fall’s Biggest Clam contest in Springs, was seen on the subway heading west between Three Mile Harbor and East Hampton, trailed by paparazzi. His whopper was 2.26 pounds and the media can’t get enough of him. Also on that subway was rock concert impresario Ron Delsener, talking to Beyoncé, who said they had eaten up at Michaels in Maidstone Park and recommended the corn soup.

On the subway heading west to Quiogue from the Quogue stop was Vladimir Putin, taking a much deserved break from his work in Sochi.

FEWEST NUMBER
Last week, the fewest number of people took the subway of any winter week in the system in history. The sidewalks up above were all iced over and people were slipping and sliding. Many of them came over to the stairs going down to the platforms and then just decided against trying to negotiate them.

CACAPHONY
A little altercation took place on the Southampton platform last Wednesday evening. Subway riders certainly noticed the problem. There were three bands next to the token booth—a steel drum band, a jazz quintet and a hip hop duo. All, as it turned out, had a permit to play by the token booth at that particular time, apparently because of a bureaucratic foulup in the Subway clerk’s office, so none could be asked to move. They played. People walked fast and covered their ears.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TONY ANTONIO!
Friends and family joined Tony Antonio, an assistant bookkeeper for Hampton Subway, as he celebrated his 35th birthday on Friday in the company cafeteria. Antonio served six months in jail for defrauding a dry cleaning company you may recall, but that was eight years ago and it’s all been forgotten and forgiven. Happy Birthday Tony!

WE DO OUR PART
Subway Commissioner Aspinall last week, upon returning from his vacation, ordered all the thermostats on the subway platforms turned down from 70 degrees to 67.

“This is how the Subway is doing our part in fighting global warming,” he told the media at a press conference on Friday. “The earth is warming. We have to do what we can do to keep it from doing so, and so if we all lower the thermostats, the cooler temperature in the reinforced concrete or cinderblock basements in the buildings occupied by our businesses, will seep through to the ground outside and cause it to stop heating up. This is especially true in all underground businesses such as ours. It will work in private homes, too.”

Mr. Aspinall is the master of this stuff and we should listen to him. That’s why he’s the commissioner.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I’ve come home from Key West, where my wife and I have been vacationing and advising the mayor there about subways, to find that the mayor of Southampton, who is no friend of mine, has ordered orange traffic cones to be placed in the subway stairways, making it necessary for people to go up and down single-file this past week. This has been a big inconvenience for our customers. I’m told it was done at the assistant mayor’s request as a “traffic study.” It’s a traffic study, all right. It has pissed me off. I will get to the bottom of this.

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