Neanderthals in the Hamptons: Do You Have Caveman DNA?

DansPapers.com has been known to serve up a hoax or two in the past, but this is no hoax. While there recently may or may not have been lions roaming around the East End, there definitely are Neanderthals living in the Hamptons.

According to a recent article published by Robert Preidt of Health Day, “a new study suggests that many people today still harbor bits of Neanderthal DNA that affect their health.”

That means that many of the East End Finest may actually be classified as Neanderthals. If you are an African American living in the Hamptons, you can rest easy because modern Africans have little or no Neanderthal DNA because their ancestors, did not mingle with Neanderthals.

However, the article goes on to state that, “research has shown that 40,000 to 80,000 years ago, Neanderthals interbred with early modern humans in Europe and Asia and that about 2% of the genetic material of modern people, without African ancestry, can be traced to Neanderthals.”

I have witnessed what I perceive to be Hamptons Neanderthal behavior, including some very hairy men who primarily eat with their fingers.

The findings in the study have far reaching implications, but not for the reasons you might think.  As the article points out, “These remnants of Neanderthal DNA are linked with genes that play a role in conditions such as diabetes, Crohn’s disease, lupus, and cirrhosis of the liver as well as behaviors such as smoking.”

This of course raises several issues. One of significant importance is whether prospective online dating profiles should now include the question, “Are you of Neanderthal descent?”

More research needs to be done but I would suggest as a precaution, that all East End residents immediately schedule a doctor’s appointment and request a Neanderthal DNA test.

The good news is that those of us living in the Hamptons that are without celebrity or elevated economic status, should be able to find solace in knowing that those who are held in higher esteem may be a Neanderthal. I like the thought of that.

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