The East End Can Learn From Pussy Riot and Russian Law This Olympics

Lately it seems the Russians are taking a beating from the mainstream media. But rather than complaining about two toilets in the same stall, like at the Olympics in Sochi, we should focus on advantages provided by the Russian lifestyle. Specifically, there is one thing we can take from them that might just make the East End a better place to live. I am talking about taking a page from Russian law when it comes to unwanted behavior.

Just look at Moscow-based Pussy Riot. This infamous feminist punk rock protest group stages guerilla performances in unusual public locations, and then posts them on the internet. And what happened when they staged a particular performance the government deemed offensive? The band was charged with hooliganism and tossed in jail.

I actually support the LGBT platform of Pussy Riot, but I have to admit, the thought of quashing some unrelated behavior is appealing.

Hooliganism is defined as “disruptive or unlawful behavior” and it is rampant on the East End.

For instance, it is a proven fact that snowball fights among kids can lead to higher forms of violence in later adult life. First it’s snowballs and then Molotov cocktails and grenades. So, if there were a hooliganism law on the books, we would have a tool for stopping snowball fights. We would be doing these kids a favor.

Another example you ask? I saw two teenagers at the grocery store the other day. They were passing through the produce isle and one of them reached over, pulled several grapes from a bunch and popped them in his mouth. If this isn’t hooliganism, I don’t know what is.

And at 1 a.m. the other morning, I was returning from a Super Bowl party and spotted a carload of guys who had pulled over to the side of County Road 39 to urinate in the bushes. Disgusting.

If we had Russian laws on the books, East End law enforcement would have the freedom they need to arrest people—like when a woman, complete with a compliment of children in tow, leaves her grocery cart in the middle of the damn parking lot, where it can roll into other people’s cars. This is unwanted behavior, I tell you.

These hooligans must be stopped. My name is Mr. Sneiv and I am not and have never been a communist, but I do believe that Russia has a better way to treat hooliganism. If necessary, I am willing to take a paid appointment as Hooliganism Czar for the entire East End. In the meantime, enjoy the XXII Winter Olympic Games.

Hanging out with Pussy Riot

Hanging out with Pussy Riot, Photo: Denis Bochkarev

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