Hamptons Police Blotter: Missing Kangaroos, Revolting Ticks, McGumbus

Gone For A Hop
Australian multi-billionaire investor Simon Grainger contacted police last week to report the mysterious disappearance of his entire stock of kangaroos. Grainger reported that he had imported the mob of marsupials from Down Under to graze on the 35-acre field he owns abutting his Sagaponack estate in order to save on landscapers, and that he had also wanted his children to get a taste of the Australian experience by seeing the kangaroos hopping around. “Around here, all they see is deer,” explained Grainger in his thick Aussie accent. “I wanted them to get a taste of the Outback!” Police couldn’t determine with certainty what had become of the kangaroos, but theorized that this winter’s cold and snow, and the resulting paucity of grass to feed on, may have forced the kangaroos to migrate. They issued an all-points bulletin for a hopping herd heading south.

Ticks Are Revolting
The news that Suffolk County had passed a resolution to set up a tick control advisory committee met with defiance and outrage from members of the prominent local tick defense group Ticks In Crisis (TIC), who picketed a local county legislator’s office Thursday afternoon. Herman Blutsaug, a spokesman for TIC, delivered a rebuke through a bullhorn: “Who says it’s the ticks that are the problem? They just want the freedom to live and reproduce in peace. It’s us humans, with our rampant development and destruction of tick habitats, who need to be controlled!” Blutsaug accompanied his remarks with a written manifesto in which he called for the criminalization of the “destruction of tick habitats,” including jail time for killing a deer with a car. Blutsaug’s remarks riled the crowd so much that police were forced to break it up.

Got His Goats 
Long-suffering residents of Shelter Island have reason to be hopeful after local conservationists revealed a plan to use goats to eradicate invasive plant species in Bridgehampton. For years, they’ve dealt with Old Man McGumbus’s unruly herd of goats that roam freely across the island—a loophole in the law absolves McGumbus from any responsibility for damage to property—and now they see a solution. A group of concerned citizens has banded together to demand that if goats are to be employed in the eradication of invasive plant species, it only makes sense that the goats should be sourced from McGumbus’s herd. The 104-year-old McGumbus, a WWII-era minesweeping expert, has always maintained that his goats are acting as living landmine detectors (he’s suspected of occasionally detonating one to lend verisimilitude to his story), and he has acted aggressively to prevent any of his goats from being removed. Legal action is pending.

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