Hamptons Police Blotter: Wasabi, Unattended Kids, McGumbus Hipster War

Watch Out…Wasabi!
A guest at a birthday party hosted by a local media company was briefly incapacitated Tuesday by the accidental ingestion of a large quantity of wasabi. The host of the party served sushi, and it seems the young woman, who had never experienced sushi before, ate a substantial amount of wasabi under the mistaken impression that it was a piece of avocado. The young woman, shocked by the powerful effects of the spicy condiment, ran to the nearest bathroom, causing co-workers to worry that she had gotten a bad piece of sashimi. While emergency crews were notified, the young woman eventually decided that she didn’t require medical treatment.

No Brat Left Behind
That’s illegal? That’s what many people of a certain age had to be asking themselves after a couple in an East End town were arrested for allegedly leaving their children in the car while they went shopping. How well baby boomers remember the days of sitting there in the smelly backseat with siblings, fighting bitterly and making threats of what would happen “when Mom got back,” while Mom took her sweet time picking out a new dress or something. Responsible adults of that generation surely heard the squabbling as they passed by, and they probably said to themselves; “Boy, I’m glad mom left those nasty kids out here so I don’t have to hear them inside the store.” Ahh, those were the days.

No Hipsters Allowed
Old Man McGumbus, 104-year-old WWII veteran and Shelter Island’s sole “Trustee for Life,” generated controversy last week as he proposed and passed an ordinance that would allow Shelter Island businesses owners to “refuse to serve hipsters if they sincerely believe that hipsters are ruining life for the rest of us.” The ordinance passed on a 1–0 vote, as McGumbus seems to be the only member of the Shelter Island Trustees—a body whose very existence was unsuspected until recently.

News of the ordinance sparked outrage in Shelter Island’s substantial hipster community, and hipster activists amassed in front of Trustee headquarters, which doubles as Mr. McGumbus’s house, carrying protest banners and hand-rolling cigarettes until police told them to move along. The flannel-clad, bearded hipster spokesman Dylan Lambert was defiant, saying, “I’d like to see them try to prevent us from buying our locally roasted, fair-trade artisanal pour-over coffee!”

A poll of Shelter Island businesses that was taken to determine how many businesses planned to take advantage of the ordinance proved inconclusive, as it turns out that none of them are open this winter.

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